More Updated Pictures!!!

I got up in the middle of the night last night, noticed my phone flashing by the bed and felt compelled to look at it. I was so happy to see an e-mail from Ann at Red Thread with more updated pictures of Lily. My little girl is beautiful.

It kind of looks like she has been crying here. I showed some of the nurse practitioners at work and they said it's either because she just woke up, she has been crying or she may have a little eczema or contact dermatitis. Regardless, I adore this picture and have spent every spare moment today just staring in to her sweet eyes. I just want to whisper in her ear, "Mommy is coming for you baby girl. She loves you soooo much."

I think the orphanage staff must have just clicked and clicked while she was in this walker just waiting for her to smile or make funny faces.

The frustrated face

I think this is the same as the the one we got yesterday. The "I'm a sweet baby" face

Doh.

Ann is just awesome. I am so, so grateful to her for doing this for us. She also received our care package, translated the letter, took a picture of it all and forwarded it to our FuRen. Hopefully the orphanage will receive it in the next couple of days.

My heart is so full. :)

Oh - Updated measurements too

I almost forgot...Michelle sent us updated measurements too. Lily is now 6 kg (13.2 lbs), 57 cm tall (22.4 inches), head circumference 39 cm (15.4 in), chest 40 cm (15.7 in) and feet 8 cm (3.15 in). Now I have to figure how that translates to clothes, shoes and baby headband and hat sizes. More SHOPPING! :)

Updated Picture of our Sweet Baby

Surprise! This morning Michelle e-mailed me and I have never been more thankful to have a smart phone. I was getting my supplies together to admit a patient, looked at my phone and squealed with delight when I saw a text from her - "Check your e-mail". Lo and behold, I opened it and saw this most gorgeous face in the world. For a second those eyes were all I could see. Then the little hands. The wispy baby hair. The little nose, the perfect ears, the pouty mouth.

Then the layers and layers of clothes, the little tiny pink sock covered feet dangling above the floor. The appearance of a clean floor, walker, the cabinets around her.

Then the metal cribs lined up, the bottles and baby items on the cabinet, the windows with sunshine and yellow curtains.

This is my sweet baby, my dream come true, the most perfect child in the world. She is half-way around the world in this place I have never seen waiting for us. I need to get to her as soon as possible. There are cheeks to kiss, baby coos to hear, girly headbands to wear. I love this child. Love her.

GOAL!

Remember I said I wanted to do just a couple things before I became a mommy?!? See here for my post about it. One thing I wanted to do was get back to my Weight W@tchers goal weight. I didn't think I could do it. I have been going back to WW meetings every Sunday since the end of October (ironically right after Lily was born) and my fantastic hubby has been right beside me. It hasn't been super fast but I did it! When I weighed in today I was EXACTLY at my goal. Back to my FREE lifetime status. It feels AWESOME! My total weight loss now, since joining WW in 2002 is 192.6 lbs. I made my goal and became a lifetime member in 2004. I haven't been the weight I am now (notice I brushed it out above) since at least 2006. I am so proud that I have accomplished this before I bring my precious little girl home. I want so badly to be a role model of health for my little one. I'm still hoping to lose a few more pounds to give myself a cushion for our trip to China but I won't beat myself up if I don't. I'm just going to bask in this moment. I have a beautiful daughter waiting for me, a fantastic husband and family and I am healthy! I can't ask for much more. :)

A Week Ago..

I can't believe it's been a week since I first saw this beautiful face... ...and my whole life changed forever. I love you my sweet baby girl! Mommy, Daddy and your whole family can't wait to hold you in our arms! You are the answer to prayers and a dream come true.

Care Package

I couldn't let too much time pass before I sent my little girl a care package. I sent her a blanket that I crocheted during this enormous wait, a little ladybug stuffed animal, a teething toy, a photo book with pictures of us and her family, some disposable cameras, treats for her caregivers and a letter (to be translated) letting them know how much we already love her and appreciate all the wonderful care they are providing her as she grows during these early months. Hopefully they will take pictures of her with the cameras and return them to us to develop so that we can have something to share with her as she gets older.

I really hope my sweet girl gets the package soon. Ann (the woman who will receive the package, translate our letter, forward it to the orphanage and make sure it has arrived) also requests updated pictures from the orphanage director. She has already done this and we are so hoping to get them soon.

Dad was with me today and he is FANTASTIC at making sure we take pictures of everything. We are hoping he will go to China with us also...that would be suh-weeeeet! So here I am outside of the post office. The sun was shining in my eyes and I'm guessing that's why I wasn't smiling. I didn't know yet that the package was going to cost me $58.75 to send.

That's ok. She's worth every last penny, every last minute of waiting, every last tear that's been shed. All of it and so, so much more.

More scenes from this AMAZING week

Jeff and I were so, so lucky in so many ways this week. Not only did we get to see the face of our daughter, we got to have my family around to celebrate the best news of our lives. We took a trip to the outlet mall to indulge in a little baby shopping....

Proud daddy and mommy

Grandma and Grandpa

Me and my bro - like what I've done to protect his anonymity?!?!

Aunt Leslie and Aunt Brandee - so happy for our Lily

Much more to come...

Where is Lily?

Our little Lily is currently at the Jianxin Social Welfare Institute in Jiangxi Province. When we go get her, we will fly to Beijing, then probably to the largest city in Jiangxi, Nanchang, where we will meet her and spend about a week and, finally to Guangzhou (where the US consulate is located). You can see here a map of the provinces in China: And more specifically, Jiangxi where Lily is located. The red area is pointing to the area where her orphanage is. It is in the town of Huibu in Fengxin County. The area is extremely rural, largely agricultural but there is one factory in the town as far as I can find. I am still researching the area and hope to find out more. The orphanage is about 2 1/2 hours from Nanchang which means that we may be in Nanchang and someone may bring Lily to us wherever we are staying.

When Lily grows up, I want to be able to tell her about this area where she spent her first few months.

Lily's Referral Day

Friday was a SURREAL day. I have been on a cloud ever since then but it started with me as a complete ball of nerves. I hadn't slept more than a couple of hours for 3 days and I was constantly stalking the internet for any news. When I got up Friday, I wasn't 100% sure that we would see Lily before the weekend. There were still 5 days logged in before we were matched...no real guarantees. But our China Rep, Michelle, called DHL and then called me at about 9:50am and told me that, barring any unforeseen weather situations, we would get our package that day. Less than 2 hours later, she called again and told me that Lily's package was at their office. I didn't know at that time that she already knew Lily's date of birth and that she was a SHE. Jeff didn't want me to find out any information before we were together (he was at work) so I didn't ask ANY questions even though I was going insane. Michelle told me to give her until about 12:30 and then come to the office. I called Jeff, texted Jeff and finally got in touch with him and told him I would be at the hospital to pick him up about 12:15. I shoved some food in my mouth, got in the car and Jeff ended up getting tied up in a procedure until about 12:40...every minute seemed like an hour. We finally got to the adoption agency at around 12:55pm and we were greeted with this on the door...

Wow. It's real. We are parents...we just hadn't seen her yet. So we walked in to the office and the director of the agency welcomed us to the office. She was smiling from ear to ear. She went to get Michelle and she led us to her office. I looked down at the desk and there were these little pictures of a tiny baby. I looked down, looked at Michelle, looked down, looked at Jeff, looked at Michelle and said, "Is this her?" Oh my goodness. It was her. LILY. After all these years, all the paperwork, heartache, longing, countless mushy blog posts and nights when I had to cry myself to sleep with empty arms. This is HER. MY DAUGHTER.

I asked Michelle when she was born and she just said, " She's tiny.....October." I said, "October of 2010???" Really, just turned 5 months old a little more than a week ago....really?!?!?! I had dreamed of Lily being a tiny baby but I never really, really believed that she would be less than a year old. It has been 3 days now and I am still having moments when I think of some other first that I now get to look forward to...first steps, first birthday...

This is the child I prayed for for so long. The child that Jeff and I have talked about and hoped for, built our home, opened our hearts and have loved for so long. She is our LILY.

This is Jeff's daughter, my daughter, our family. We get to watch her grow and become a toddler, a pre-schooler, take her to ballet, gymnastics, school programs, Girl Scout meetings. We get to rub her head when she's sad or sick. We get to love her. Us. How in the world did we get so fortunate?

This was the first day of our future. When we hold our baby girl, our family and hearts will be complete. I am so full of joy that I can't even begin to express how I feel. I have smiled so much in the last 3 days that my face truly hurts. When a bad thought enters my head, I look at her face and it's gone. She's a miracle. Our miracle.

Introducing Lily Faith

I can not believe I am actually typing this post to introduce the world to our beautiful daughter! This day has been amazing!! I present to you Lily Faith ... Chinese Name: Gan Fu Ren Location: Jianxin SWI in Jiangxi Province Date of birth: October 22, 2010 (she is just over 5 MONTHS OLD!!) All my prayers have been answered. I don't know what I could have done to deserve this amazing blessing. She is so beautiful and Jeff and I are the happiest parents in the entire world!!

This is it

Lily's referral is at the adoption agency office now. I'm eating some pork tacos while they do what they need to do and then I'm picking Jeff up at 12:15ish to go there. Oh my goodness. I'm so freaking excited!!!

Friday??

The theme of my day today has been REFRESH, REFRESH. I have been following what appears to be our referral package on the DHL tracking site since yesterday morning. We are in a strange situation because there have really been no solid rumors on the normal adoption forums/blogs yet we are very confident that this package contains our Lily's referral. We have already made arrangements with Michelle, our China Rep and matchmaker extraordinaire, to meet tomorrow in the event that she receives the package. If it doesn't arrive tomorrow then it will be Monday and I will be INSANE over the weekend. I am already a little insane to begin with so this is gonna drive me over the edge. Could this really be it?!?! Could over 5 years of waiting and longing be coming to an end?!? Could we be holding a picture of our little girl in less than 24 hours?!?! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness....time to go REFRESH again.

Any Day Now

I got a call this morning from our sweet adoption agency rep with some info that tells me that we should have our Lily's referral ANY DAY NOW. I would say, realistically as long as this info is accurate (and I have to believe it is completely), we will see our Lily between tomorrow (not as likely) and next Tuesday-ish. If it's tomorrow or Thursday, I am working and will have to start puking so that I can leave without abandoning my patient assignment. If I know in advance, I will call in and I have already told my boss and co-workers that if I call in then it is LILY DAY. I have been at this hospital almost a year and haven't called in at all yet so this would be big for me. If it is Friday, it will be late in the day. I'm off but I absolutely want our agency rep to be the one to give us our Lily's info and she is tied up until late in the day. No deliveries happen over the weekend so if it's not this week, it will probably be Monday or Tuesday. I have to remind myself to breathe. My stomach is doing Olympic-worthy gymnastics. After 5 years, you would think I would be the one of the most patient people in the world but not-so-much. I am so stinkin' excited that I am about to become a mommy...my dream of a lifetime is about to come true. I can almost not believe it and I feel a little guilty that I half expect something not so great to happen. After this tumultuous 5+ years, I guess that is a human feeling. For now, I choose the cautious excitement. I have looked at this verse a lot over the past few weeks. It was part of our wedding vows, as it is for many, and it has given me some comfort during this last endless month. While I am not patient, my love for my baby girl is. Jeff and I both already love her more than we ever thought possible of a child who we have never seen or touched. She is our child, our dream and our future and she will be in our arms soon...though she has been in our hearts forever.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Lily's Family Part 1: Jeff's Side

Our precious Lily will be blessed with lots of amazing family. I know some of them are chomping at the bit and just as excited as we are to see our lil one's face very soon. I thought now would be a good time to make some introductions and share Lily's namesake with everyone. We just didn't come up with the name Lily Faith...it was inspired.

Unfortunately, Jeff's family was never really big on pictures. In fact, this photo...
...is the only one I have ever seen of all of them together. It just so happens to be from butterfly collar, bell bottom and shaft coat days (haha). And they are (from left to right starting at the top): Jef'f's oldest brother Melvin, brother Edsel, his only sister Barbara, brother Gary and Jeff (he thinks he was in his late teens or young 20's here). Bottom row is Jeff's dad, J.T. (Jeff Sr.) and his mom, Lillian. Unfortunately for all of us, including Lily, Jeff's dad passed away the year we were married, 2001. He was an amazing man and I am so glad I had the chance to know him before his passing. I can share all of Jeff's stories about his dad but, for now, we will stick with the intros. His mother, originally Lillian Allen, was also amazing. Both of his parents accepted me unconditionally and immediately. The genuine love they had for their baby boy and their wish for his happiness was breathtaking. I became very close to Jeff's mom and we shared so many special moments over the years of our courtship and early years of our marriage. We also experienced the challenges of many losses together. I loved her dearly and always felt so much love from her as well. She knew that Jeff and I were aching for a family and shared our happiness when we were pregnant many years ago. When we lost the pregnancy, she held my hand and comforted me, no words needed from one woman who had experienced her own losses to another woman dying to just be a mom. She knew of our plans to become parents through adoption well before her passing several years ago. She was looking forward to becoming a grandmother again and seeing her son fulfill a dream of his own. Sadly, our Lily will never know the wonderful woman who gives her her name. We do, however, look forward to the day when we can share with her all the wonderful qualities of her grandmother, tell Lily stories of Jeff's upbringing, the experiences and people that shaped her daddy and when we can introduce her to her aunts and uncles who, no doubt, will love her just as we will.

Care Package Project: Photo Album

Fortunately for me, I am working a lot this week so my mind is staying somewhat busy. Today, however, I am off work so I have some time to revert to my Lily obsessing. This afternoon I will be meeting Karen, the female half of the couple who is logged in with us through our agency and who will be sharing this life-changing journey with us, for frozen yogurt. This morning I am thinking about what I can do to be productive as we finish out this wait for Lily's picture. Hopefully we are in the last few days of our wait....hopefully.



A few days ago, I ordered two of these...

It's a soft sided, plastic photo album that we will be putting in the care package that we will send to Lily once we know who and where she is. The little bullseye on the front is a pocket for a picture and there are pockets inside for 6 4x6 photos as well. I will put Lily's referral picture on the front but I'm trying to figure out what pictures should go on the inside. People send this so that the babies can get a little visually familiar with the faces, environments, etc. that will soon

rock their worlds. I ordered 2 of them because some times what goes in the care package is not returned to the family with the child and I want to have a duplicate for Lily to have at home. I know I am going to put pictures of myself and Jeff and Lily's room and probably pictures of a few extended family. Just narrowing it down to 6 is a tough job. I want close ups of faces with not much background stuff happening too.

This is one of the projects I know I can work on now. I can also work on buying gifts for nannies and guides. We have to have 8-10 gifts (I think) with 1 or 2 for a male mixed in. Some suggestions I've seen for these are like bath and body works items, things from the US or local to our area (what unique thing is local to Alabama??). As far as the care package, there are a few more things that will go to Lily. Jeff and I will start sleeping with a blankie I crocheted soon so that it can "smell like us". I probably need to make a duplicate of that as well just in case. I will also be sending a couple of disposable cameras with a note asking the nannies/foster parents to take pictures of Lily in her environment in China so that she can have them when she gets older. Maybe a few little clothing items, some snacks for the nannies...not sure what else. It would be nice if I could be even slightly productive during this time just to keep myself sane. People say that the wait between referral and travel is even more difficult but, really, we can't even get to that point until we have Lily's referral so let's go already.

Baby gates, oulet covers and corner cushions oh my

Today's Lily-waiting-when-will-we-hear-something obsession distraction is baby-proofing. This is a topic that we haven't put a whole lot of thought in to and we probably won't start purchasing safety gear until we get our referral but it is, nevertheless, a very important topic. Since Lily will be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years-ish, we have no idea what stage of development she will be at so we will determine how fanatic we go once we meet her and see how interested she is in her environment. Honestly, though, our house is a death trap for toddlers. We have electronics, stairs, lots of electrical outets and power strips, tables with sharp corners, glass things on shelves. Geesh...it's a wonder Jeff and I haven't hurt ourselves. I know we will need at least 2 gates for our 2 sets of stairs and at least eleventy ba-jillion outlet covers. Then I'll duct tape pillows over the corners of our tables and wrap Lily in a couple rolls of Charmin. That should do it, right?!? Really...I'm working on the whole over-protective thing...that will take some time.

But, seriously, take a look at this...

Can you picture it smack in the middle of my living room? It's a kid corral. That would take care of the need for any of the other safety paraphernalia, right? Ha ha. I am seriously just kidding. Or am I??

This week or next week?

There are starting to be more rumors about matching this morning. One person stated that her agency said matches were starting last week and the Spanish rumor site is speculating that we might hear something this week. Of course we also have the tidbit about the 14th (OUR DAY) being included and referrals in about 2 weeks (from end of last week). Of course nothing is official until we see Lily's face. But I am hopeful that we will know SOMETHING this week (less likely) or next week...possibly even the first of the following (first few days of April).

I am pretty much batty right now. I am a worrier, a tad bit controlling, bossy, inquisitive...all qualities that are making the last bit of this wait pretty tough for me. If I busy myself with things related to Lily it seems to make it worse. I'm actually working some extra hours this week and it's probably a good thing that I keep my mind and body busy.

I feel like we will be in. I really do. I feel like we have already been matched with Lily. But right now all I can do is close my eyes at night and pray in thanks for the blessings we've already received, for some sort of peace for my worried soul and for the safety of my baby girl wherever she may be and whenever she may be in our arms. I don't know what else to do.

The Longest Month Ever

We are currently living the longest month in the history of forever. Really it seems like it. If we don't receive our referral this month, everyone will be visiting me in the loony bin because I can absolutely not survive another month like this one. So...I am trying to think of things to occupy my mind to pass the time a little. It would be great if these side-track items could be productive too. Today's thought is our challenge of packing and carrying luggage that will fit the in-country China requirement of a 44 lb bag + carry-on per person. If you know me, then you know I can easily carry 44 lbs of shoes for a 3 day weekend. Packing 44 lbs for 2 weeks in another country AND having to include items for a baby....OMG....I'm in trouble. So far Jeff and I have gotten 2 of these...
29" rolling duffel. They have 2 compartments so we can pack more fragile stuff down below. I am hoping that we can use these and pack half my stuff and half Jeff's stuff in each (just in case one is lost) and do the same with Lily's things. I know we are going to have to buy some things in China so I am trying to prioritize necessities. We are going to have to find a way to do laundry too. Is it bad that I am actually thinking of wearing yoga pants every single day that we are in China?!? Really...they are light for packing, you can wear them with short or long sleeves, sneakers or flip flops, layer with a sweater, even dress them up a little. Hmmm.

I am still looking for a backpack that can act as a carry-on, laptop holder and diaper bag for while we are in China. I have eyed one on the LL Be@n site but I am waiting for referral before I buy. So we will have 2 rolling duffels, 2 backpacks for carry-ons...that's it. Geesh.

Fortunately, it looks like we will be travelling during warmer months so we won't need as many sweaters and things but we are still going to have a huge challenge ahead of us.

I'm up for it though...anything to get our wee one in our arms ASAP. Maybe tomorrow I will think of another topic to occupy my brain. Or maybe not.

One blessing after another

Working in a Catholic hospital affords me lots of unique opportunities. I may not be a hard core religious person but I do consider myself spiritual and I try to take from my surroundings what I am needing at any given time for my own mental health and sanity. I do believe in God. I accept that not all people do...that's fine of course. But for me, my own spiritual journey is very personal and every day I explore it in a different way.

Anyway...every day in my workplace, we have a moments of prayer, church bells, nuns walking in the halls, a priest who makes patient rounds and, on my unit, we have a different bible verse posted in our hall. I love it. It gives me an opportunity to explore my own beliefs and see people who are in need of spirituality due to sickness, health, stress and happiness.

So Thursday when Jeff called me with the good news about his test results, I was floating. My co-workers had celebrated with me and I was thinking about how we could now focus on Lily and both be healthy for her when she joins us. I passed our bible verse board and this is what I saw....
This was a sign to me. I take from it what I need. We have had one blessing and there is another right around the corner. It's happening.

One bit of great news down, one more to go

As if you couldn't guess, that "OTHER" thing I was referring to was a little (well...to me it was a big) health scare for Jeff. We got some test results today and everything is a-ok. Pheeeeww. Talk about relief. Jeff called me on my work phone and I just about screamed it to my co-workers. I am so fortunate that I work with some great people who helped me partake in a little spontaneous "happy dance" mid-morning. This situation has really been a reminder for us to appreciate our health, each other and every single day that we are on this planet. Jeff and I are far from perfect but I can honestly say that I don't want to picture any day of my life without him. He's kinda grown on me. ;)

So now, with this great news upon us today, I am hoping and believing that we are on a roll and are due for some more life shattering great experiences in the next couple of weeks. When I told Jeff last night that there is a rumor that the CCAA is preparing to match, he looked at me with his eyes wide and said, "That means that they could be matching us with our baby RIGHT NOW." He is so right.

Thanks so much to everyone who was thinking about us and praying for us these past few weeks. I don't know what I would have done without the reality checks and without everyone who let me just have my own sobfest. Special thanks to my amazing husband who says he knew all along that it would be ok. He's so strong...more so than most people know. I'm so lucky.

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

I think Jeff and I are pretty good at waiting. After all, we have been waiting for Lily FOREVER. But I'm really losing my patience. I hate this. We are waiting for a few things right now and I'm just frustrated. I want good news. I want good news this week (on that OTHER thing that I was talking about earlier) and I want to see Lily's face with THIS NEXT batch of referrals. I am going to be like Veruca Salt and whine like a spoiled brat...I WANT IT NOOOOW.

A rumor came out late yesterday saying that the CCAA (agency in China that matches babies with adoptive parents) is preparing to match. This message usually precedes referrals by about 2 weeks. However, last month the message came out and referrals arrived the next day. We aren't counting on that ... thinking that the "precedes by 2 weeks" part may be more accurate this time.

Please, please, please let us be in. I promise I will be a good girl. I promise after we get good news this week and we are in this next batch, I won't ask for anything else for eleventy years. Please.

Happy 57th Month-A-Versary!

Today marks 57 months since our dossier was logged in in China. 57 months is a freaking long time.
My hopes are this is the last month-a-versary before we see Lily's face. It's such a good possibility while I am still preparing myself that we may have to wait another batch of referrals. In my mind I am picturing a Chinese man sitting at a desk, glancing between our passport pictures that we had to send in our dossier and his stack of babies to match this month. Who knows if he is trying to match us to one that "looks like us", that suits our facial expressions, just the first one on his stack....who knows. I know, however, that he will match us with the child that we are destined to call ours.

Please let that be this month. Please.

And speaking of my original baby...

He rocks the house. We are loving the Mich@el J@ckson Wii Game. It's an awesome workout. We may have just missed our calling as hip-hop back-up dancers.

My Original Baby

Although Lily will be my baby girl, this one is my original baby...
And I feel a real need to take care of him right now. He has a big day tomorrow and I appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers that are coming our way.

Not so fast....

Well crud. There is some speculation that we may actually not be included in this next batch of referrals from China. I really, really hope this is not the case but I am guarding my heart just in case. Of course I have told everyone that we are next and I will feel like a booger if I have to go back and tell them, "Sike...no baby this month." I think they will start to wonder if I've just made up this whole "baby from China" business.

One way or the other, the next batch of referrals should be here in a couple of weeks and, only then, we will really know if we are in. Until then, we can only pray for patience and security of our hearts in the belief that Lily is safe and healthy until we can get to her.

In truth, I've had enough. :(

Worry

I worry too much. I know I do. I always have and there is not much I can do about it. I try to exercise, distract myself, do the little techniques I've read about in books and magazines but, right now, these are all futile. While Jeff and I are totally focused on Lily these days, we were thrown for a little loop last week and now I have something else to worry about. This isn't related to the adoption at all but, still, it is a cause to worry. And it's got me on a downward spiral.

Anyway...for this moment I will focus on my reasons to worry about our adoption. First, we had a big deal happen when we first sent our paperwork to China. FedEx didn't scan it's arrival in China and we couldn't confirm that it got there. They told us it was lost. We are talking several pounds of paper that had travelled all over the US for special seals, authentication, letters from a million people....things that could not be replicated easily. Anyway...after about a week of ulcers, our agency told us that it was actually received and gave us our log-in-date...6/14/06. So....what if it never really got there? What if China doesn't really know that we've been waiting for our precious little one for all these years? AND then what if our log in date is not really correct? We mailed our package on 6/9/06 and were logged in just 5 days later. That was not too far off from what was happening at that time but still....what if it's wrong?!? AND what if our file has gotten lost while it has sat on the shelves in China for the past 5 years? Paperwork gets lost...what is protecting our file from disappearing in to the hole of nothingness?!? What if the person who is responsible for matching us with Lily takes one look at our pictures and hates us? What if he/she thinks we aren't worthy of being parents? What happens then?

Oh my goodness....I am a wreck. All of these thoughts really are in my brain but I try not to speak them or else everyone around me will be googling "Baker Act". I know none of these worries are in my control right now and I just have to let it go. As far as Lily, we have really done all we can do to make sure things run smoothly at this point. Everything in our power has been done. I know this. Some times that calms me but other times....

For now, Jeff and I are going to try our best to survive the next week intact. Please think about us, especially Jeff, on Monday, March 14th, as that will be a stressful and important day for the "other" thing that is a source of worry. After that, we will get back to Lily. I promise, if all goes well, then I will try my absolute best to focus on the excitement of what we are about to experience and I will make every effort to rid myself of the irrational worries.

Welcome to the brain of Neurotic Nicole. :)

Nachas

I complain about my job...maybe a lot. But I love being a nurse....really I do. I have opportunities to meet the most interesting people - some good and some bad. Undoubtedly, I end up having a lot of conversations with people about their families, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids. Some times they ask me if I'm married...I always say "Yes, and I am so lucky that I have a great husband." and some times they ask me if I have kids and my standard answer has been, "Not yet." And I change the subject.

For the past few days, since I now know that we are NEXT, I have changed my standard response. Yesterday, I met a man who I had this conversation with and he told me about his kids, his 5 grandkids, his 15 great-grands and he asked me the standard..."Do you have a family?" I thought for a minute before I responded and started, "Yes I have a husband and we've been married almost 10 years....and.....we are adopting a baby in the next few months." Wow. I said it. And it opened up quite a conversation.

He asked me a TON of questions. He was really pretty interested and I was so happy to share the basics. Remember this is an 82 year old man that I am holding this conversation with...one with a lifetime of wisdom gathering. He said so many things that I will hold in my head. He, of course, told me that I am about to embark on the journey of a lifetime....that I am about to re-live my life all over again through parenthood as I watch my child grow....that there is nothing like what I am about to experience....to listen to the advice people give me but to trust my gut first. Then he just looked at me and said "Nachas"....and asked me if I knew what that meant. He said, in his life and religion he has learned to speak Yiddish fluently and this is a word that means "great joy". I treasure experiences like this, when unique and amazing people come in to my life even for brief moments and leave me with nuggets of their wisdom and perspective. I know some time, maybe years from now, when I am giggling with my little girl (or boy), I will know the true meaning of nachas. I will think of that little 82 year old man and the 30 minutes of his life that he spent with me.

Today's Obsessive Thought: What if Lily is a BOY?

Ok I have always referred to our little one from China as a girl...our sweet Lily. But there is a small chance that we could be referred a boy. Let me be honest for a minute. I am in love with the idea of my sweet angel girl. I want to dress her in frilly outfits, kiss her sweet cheeks, put pigtails in her hair. These are things I daydream about. I admit it. I am sold on the idea of having a little girl.

BUT...at the same time I know that I can not control the waves of fate and if, by chance, my world is rocked with a little boy then I will put my big girl panties on and deal with it. And I will fall in love with him too. He may not have a name, his room may be pink and green and yellow, he may have a stray pigtail in his baby-future but I will love him no less. And if the powers that be on this world and above it grant us a baby boy then so be it. He will be ours through and through and I will have to adjust my princess ideas to thoughts of Thomas the Train, denim overalls and trying to teach him to pee standing up.

Still, the chances of Lily being a boy are small. Just one more little thing I am obsessing about this weekend. And it won't be the last, I'm sure. I need a hobby.

I interrupt this Lily obsession to interject some beach pictures

Lily's grandparents (aka my parents) came for a little visit last week and we decided to take a short trip to try to rest our weary minds. So...we were off to the beach...
Can you see all that stuff behind us?? We only went for 3 days, can you believe it?!?

We had an awesome room with a balcony overlooking the sandy beach. We also had absolutely perfect weather. 70+ degrees in February in Alabama...awesome!

Perfect weather + perfect scenery + perfect company = perfect getaway

With a great sunset walk on the beach. The sand was chilly and our feet were numb by the time we got back but it was so beautiful.

And my perfect-for-me husband, Lily's daddy, who always makes everything ok by just holding my hand and looking in to my eyes. There is only one thing that could have made this trip better...building sandcastles with our little girl.

A Narrowed Window and a Sidebar Update

My absolute fave adoption rumor website has posted a smaller window as to when referrals may be expected. Of course, RQ (at www.chinaadopttalk.com) has said that they may come as early as March 18th but the most likely time frame for referrals to come is between March 31-April 4. Another website that posts estimated times for referrals (www.chinaadoptionforecast.com) is saying that we will get our referral on April 4, 2011. I have made these adjustments to my sidebar if you want to take a look. I think this is significant because RQ uses the number of families to make projections (which we are still waiting for) but China Adoption Forecast uses # of days referred. I am pretty confident that these are now both stating that we are next. Which, in every practical world, would mean we are NEXT.

I am pretty much giving myself up to the fact that I will not be able to think about much else aside from Lily for the next month. Please forgive me if I stare off in to space, if I don't hear everything you say, if I start talking gibberish. I am hoping after the initial shock of these referrals and our impending change of life wears off, I may function a little better. For right now, I am in complete Lily mode.

A little part of me is so scared that something still may happen. Maybe we will still be denied by China or maybe our log in date has been wrong all along, maybe when we had that FedEx snafu at the very beginning where they didn't scan our dossier delivery will turn out to mean our package never really did make it to China, etc. I guess this is normal for the stage we are at right now.

My Best Guess: Lily Between March 17-April 10

I know this seems like a wide date range but I am guessing we will see Lily's face between March 17 (3 weeks from the last referrals - pretty unlikely for the CCAA to do this twice in a row) and April 10 (45 days from the last referrals). Of course this is a guess.

Now that we are close, a lot of my co-workers and friends are asking questions. What will happen when we get the picture? Well...we may or may not know that our referral is on it's way to our agency. Referrals are delivered by DHL to the adoption agencies and then it is the agency that will call us and give us the information in the packet that is in English and tell us to come to their office to sign papers, see pictures, etc. Agencies didn't know this month that referrals were on the way so a lot of people got calls in the morning and were told to expect their referral call that day. A lot of people found out on www.chinaadopttalk.com (Rumor Queen) that referrals were starting to arrive and then they called their agencies. Ideally, our agency will know that our package is coming , they will let us know and Jeff and I can arrange to be off work so we can get to their office ASAP. Michelle, our agency rep, will call us and tell us Lily's Chinese name, date of birth, weight, maybe describe some pictures and tell us to come NOW. A lot of her referral information may be in Chinese and they will have to send it to their China reps for translation which could take 24 hours or so.

Once we get the referral package, we will accept it unless there is something glaringly wrong. Our agency will send our acceptance back to China and then we will wait for China to send us back approval to travel (our TA). When we get that, we can schedule our consulate appointment (the appointment we have to have before we come back to the US), etc. Our flights and hotel can then be booked around the consulate appointment. Ultimately we will end up travelling about 6 weeks from when we see Lily's face.

This really feels like the final countdown. Jeff and I are experiencing excitement like none we have had during this entire process. I can't stop thinking about Lily and where she might be, how old she is, how long it will be until we hold her, if someone is nurturing her and keeping her safe and warm and healthy. Jeff has been taking his breaks at work to make lists of pediatricians and even researched carseats on the internet yesterday. We are so close. So, so close. It's been 5 years and 4 months since we started this journey. I hope some day Lily will truly know how much we wanted her, planned for her and dreamed of her for so long.

Surprise Referrals

Today I was at work around noon and feeling very fortunate to get a lunch break since we were extremely busy and lately lunch breaks have been the exception rather than the rule. I heated up my little Weight Watchers points friendly meal, sat down with my co-workers, pulled out my cell phone to do my as-frequent-as-possible check of the China adoption sites when I saw something that made my heart flutter. Referrals came out today.

Keep in mind that they just came out 3 weeks ago today. And in the last few months they have been closer to 45-50 days apart. We weren't expecting a batch for at least another 2-3 weeks. What a fantastic, amazing turn of events. I really was just speechless for a few minutes before I ran to every one of my co-workers and told them. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

This batch of referrals looks very much like it will go to June 9, 2006. Can you please deduce what that means for us?!!? We are June 14, 2006....they covered 7 days with this batch....we are NEXT! While there is no real sure thing in this process, I am so optimistic that we will see our sweet Lily's face with the next batch of referrals...which could be 3 weeks or 6 weeks from now. Let the count-down, the freak outs, the last minute worries begin. I am so psyched.

The View From Here

Our Construction Project - Bathroom Edition

Jeff and I have been thinking of re-doing one of our two bathrooms for a while now. This is "my bathroom" and I primarily use it while Jeff uses the one off the master bedroom. Don't ask me why we work this way...we just do. Of course "my bathroom" will probably become Lily's bathroom when she gets older but for now she will have to share it with me. It is also the one that all of our guests use when they come visit.

We had done some work on it a few years ago...namely stripping wallpaper, painting the walls, painting the vanity and medicine cabinet. It was a little superficial re-do. This time around, we decided to do a gut job. I think we have been watching too many shows on HGTV.

I forgot to take a picture before I started ripping out the storage shelves but you can get a basic idea of the "before"...

It's not a very big bathroom but it was a big enough job. Jeff tore out the vanity, shoveled up the peel n stick tile, removed the toilet and medicine cabinet. After the gutting was done, all that remained was the tub, the walls and a hole where the toilet should connect to the floor.

Jeff started with cutting and laying down the cement backerboard for the tile (he said it was a crummy job), then the actual tile cutting and laying began. We had to rent a tile saw from the home improvement store and this became my job. I am so glad I took 2 years of wood shop in school. I did the measuring and cutting of the tile and Jeff used the thinset stuff to lay it, making sure it was reasonably level and spaced appropriately. After we finished that, we let it sit for a while before grouting. I grouted, Jeff sponged. Just the gutting and floor laying took us 3 days. Really. Then the attempts at the toilet re-install began....

I will skip all the details and just say that we had to wait a week for a plumber to come and re-install the toilet flange and give us back our "facilities". In the meantime, we painted the walls a lighter, neutral color, cut and re-cut baseboards and installed them, put in the vanity with new sink and faucet and medicine cabinet.
Finally, we have a completed bathroom. It is so hard to take a good "after" picture of a room that is like 6 ft x 4 ft.

See the gorgeous floor?!?! I think it just looks prettier to me because it was such a collaborative effort between Jeff and I.

It's not perfect by any means. There are some areas that we had to fill with grout cause some of my cuts were off. There is still some places we dinged the paint when we were finishing the installation of baseboards and things. There are some accessories to be added. But all in all, I think we will call it a success.

Countdowns

I'm freaking out a little bit these days. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's nesting. Maybe I'm just neurotic. Quite possibly it's a magical concoction of all of those and more. Jeff and I are counting down to Lily. My personal guess is that we are 2 referral batches from our little girl. That means 2 months-ish. I have approximated our timeline a million times before and have been proven wrong so nothing is concrete about my 2 months-ish projection but we are, indeed, closer now than ever and we will hopefully be travelling to China before the official start of summer.

My own personal countdown is a challenge that I have issued to myself. I want to be back at my goal weight by the time I become a mommy. Of course, I won't be upset if my baby girl joins us before that happens but I will be uber pleased with myself if I can accomplish this feat. I re-joined Weight Watchers at the end of October and, so far, I am down 23.6 lbs. I have 11 lbs left. My weight is definitely something I beat myself up over. It is an everyday struggle and I have vowed time and time again that I will never let my food adoration control my life again. Then life happens. Stress happens. Ice cream happens. I can only hope that I will never again be in my pre-WW body (in 2002 when I first joined at 352.6 lbs). To be back at my goal when I meet my baby girl will just be so empowering. And I really want to be a good role model for Lily.

Happy Year of the Rabbit!

Today is the Chinese New Year...the most celebrated holiday in China. This begins the Year of the Rabbit and it will be OUR year.

Happy Chinese New Year Everyone!!

P.S. Referrals are out for this month through June 2, 2006...see the side bar for the update.

I'm sorry Lily...

...there is a toilet in your room.

We are in the process of basically gutting one of our bathrooms for a major re-do and it's taking us longer and forcing more Home Dep0t trips than we could have ever imagined. In the meantime, we have "extra seating" in Lily's room. ;)

My 25 Year Old Dream Machine

Now for a random post...

I have had the same alarm clock since my 10th birthday. It was a gift from my Grandma and Grandpa L. I remember that birthday well...it was the big 1-0. I also got a white desk with red plastic handles and that same year I decorated my room in white, red and black and learned how to tease my bangs...it was the 80's...gimme a break ;). Who would have known that 25 years later, that same alarm clock would be waking me up for work?!? Seriously though, this clock has seen me through my middle school years in Jacksonville, FL, Brunswick, ME, Orlando, FL and my high school years in Key West. I took it to college with me and it woke me through four years of classes, changed majors, work study jobs. When I went home for the summers, I took it with me and it became part of my day in Hampton, VA where I spent the summer working temp at the shipbuilders and the next summer when I went to Spain and worked a summer job making $3.45/hr with a bunch of Spanish men teaching me curse words. It woke me up the day I graduated from Emory with no job in sight and the fear of adulthood and independence overwhelming me.

I packed it with me when I moved in to my very first apartment. My first day of work as a grown-up at the American Cancer Society in Atlanta started with the familiar "bing bing" of this machine. When I met Jeff and we decided to move me to Birmingham, it found a new home. It stirred me awake on the day that I married the man of my dreams.

Then when we began the journey to building our family, it woke me before dawn so I could make it to the fertility doctor a few times each week for tests and ultrasounds and still get to work on time. I admit that during those days, I pushed snooze a few extra times and probably just turned it off and called in sick once or twice.

This little "dream machine" was by my side on the morning that we decided to begin our journey to Lily. It was there when I decided to say sayonara to the daily grind and go back to school. My first day as a nurse, it didn't even need to buzz to wake me...I was so full of nervous excitement.
Twenty five years is a long time for any gadget to stay in working order but I have not had one day when my alarm clock has failed me. I bet my grandparents, when they shopped for the perfect gift for a ten year old nerdy kid, had no idea that I would have their gift way beyond my childhood, into adulthood and now as I face becoming a parent. However corny it is, I have really felt myself reflecting on life's landmarks lately. Maybe it's part of the new chapter that we are about to open in our lives or maybe it's just part of me getting old. Whichever, I really look forward to the morning I hear the familiar buzz, grab some suitcases and head to China to meet our little girl. That day isn't that far off. That will be the first day of a whole new set of alarm-worthy opportunities.

"blah blah blah, YOU ARE NEXT, blah blah blah"

This is all I heard the other day when our sweet rep from the adoption agency called to touch base with us. She just wanted to get things straight about our immigration approval (that was the source of a couple headaches recently) and confirm our dinner plans for next week but the only 2 words I heard the first time I listened to the message are "YOU ARE NEXT". Now this doesn't mean that our LID (6/14/06) will be the next batch of families to get referrals but we are our adoption agency's next group so, whether it takes one month or ten, Jeff and I and the other great couple we are logged in with will be the next of their families to see babies.

For some reason those three words still give me chills though. So much so that I had a hard time sleeping last night. I was wondering where Lily is and if she is warm and able to sleep at night. I wonder if there is someone holding her and making her coo and smile. Some times these thoughts just drive me crazy. Just to know that my baby is out there somewhere in an orphanage or foster home makes my stomach both hurt and full of butterflies at the same time. Anyone who says that you have to have a baby in your belly to fall in love with them is so, so wrong. I am in love with this child who I don't know, have never seen on ultrasound and never felt kick. I haven't heard her heartbeat, don't know her due date and don't even 100% know that she is a "her" but I am in love. She is my baby. Our baby. And we are next....at least kinda. :)

Today

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have used this quote so many times to give me peace and purpose during our wait for Lily. There is no word that describes our ability to persevere during these times than faith.

Today is MLK, Jr. day. I remember when I was in high school, we would all gather in the auditorium during the week of MLK day for a program to commemorate the legacy of this great man. There was a very strong voiced, full of spirit man who worked for the school who would walk in slowly from the back of the auditorium with those four powerful and meaningful words ..."I have a dream...." . Here were are, almost 48 years after Martin Luther King, Jr. gave this speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. And I am able to look at my soon-expanding multi-racial family with pride and not shame. I'm able to hold my husband's hand in public and for people to know us as a couple who love each other deeply and no more. What a gift for all the people of our country and our world.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." -MLK, Jr.

May his words give us pride in the state of our society, though we still have progress to be made, and unlimited hope for our future.

Some times it takes 3 times

Remember the immigration approval that we got about a month ago?? The one that I was so psyched about because the Vaseline I caked on my hands made my fingerprints take?? Well...we had a tiny hitch with it. My middle name was listed wrong. While this may not seem like a big deal, it is because everything has to be absolutely perfect when we present our forms in China to get Lily's visa, bring her in to the US, etc. So I called and asked them to make the adjustment and they did but.....the 2nd time my middle name was right but it was spelled wrong. So I called back and asked them to fix it again and, less than 2 weeks later, we now have our complete and accurate final immigration approval. It is good until early 2012 which should be enough time for us to receive our referral, travel and be home. This SHOULD be it.

While it took 3 times to get this approval right, I have to say that everyone I talked to at the USCIS that issues approvals was AWESOME. I expected the run around and bad attitude every time just cause and I was so wrong...they were nice and they were obviously pretty prompt. And I am so thankful that this happened now while we are still waiting rather than when we have Lily's picture and are trying to plan our travel to get her around all these masses of paperwork.

So we are now approved, approved and approved and the next paperwork we will do will be when we see our sweet child's face. Wow.

2011 Ice Storm

We knew this was coming. All last week and in to the weekend we have been expecting as much as 8 inches of snow and ice. The weather people even told us that we could get some "thunder snow". This actually doesn't look very bad but I reached my hand down to touch the snow and it is solid ice. At least 2 inches of it. We weren't worried though cause Jeff wasn't on call, I wasn't scheduled to work till Tuesday and we figured the worst case scenario would be that we would be stuck in the house until Monday night's BCS National Championship Game with Jeff's absolute favorite team - Auburn. He has been counting down the days until this game since Auburn won the SEC championship and we have both been hard core following his team this whole season.

Anyway...Jeff got an emergency call yesterday afternoon from his co-worker who was on call this weekend. Her mother was sick and she needed to rush to her bedside. I mean, really, how could he possibly not say ok and take her call. This is my husband we are talking about...he doesn't say no and has the most dependable work ethic of anyone I have ever met. Of course, within 20 minutes it was sleeting and within 2 hours he was getting called to spend the night at work. I was beside myself upset and feeling pretty crummy for him too.

So here we are, Monday afternoon, and it is looking more and more like Jeff will be stuck at work for the much anticipated Auburn game. I know he is upset. I am sick to my stomach for him. He slept on a stretcher last night and surely hasn't eaten a good meal. He has been working today just like it was a normal day but double-ey hard since the interstates and surface roads are closed and his co-workers can't make it to the hospital. My poor hubby. Hopefully as the day progresses, the ice will melt enough for some people to make it to the hospital to relieve him so he can come home to rest and watch his game. :(

Adoption Seminar

Mom and Dad were back in town this past week and, of course, we had a great visit. The last day that they were here, we went to a class that we have been waiting years to attend...
We were all pretty psyched to learn about issues that we might face with Lily. I was so glad that my parents were able to be there and that they will be such a huge part of Lily's world. She will be so lucky to have fantastic grandparents, aunts and uncles.

We had several great speakers who discussed medical issues, development of motor skills and speech, attachment and bonding and racial/multiracial identity issues. There were more than 20 families there who were in all stages of the adoption process from just beginning the home study to post-referral and preparing for travel. There were also many countries represented including China, Ethiopia, Russia, Peru, Moldova and many more. It was pretty awesome.

Karen and Tony, the other couple whose paperwork travelled with ours to China and who we will be with during our journey, were also there. They are amazing and I am really looking forward to sharing this experience with them. They are also awaiting their first child and we will be getting together with them for dinner really soon.

I have been planning to go to this class since we first started the adoption process but I have put it off in hopes that we could soak up all the information when we are close to referral so that we won't forget it by the time we are holding Lily. I think this was probably perfect timing since we are pretty close (fingers crossed).

After Saturday, I am even more excited about where we are with building our family and so happy that we will be prepared for the fantastic moments ahead and the challenges that we are now more equipped to face. Bring on our little girl!!