Things I've learned in the last 3 months

• That a compliment from an old-ish person given for absolutely no reason at all can make my day.
• That some times, no matter how much you try to help someone help themselves, they can still resist and give up. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
• That if I walk in to a room with a smile, even when someone is sick and feels like junk, almost always I will get one in return.
• That I will never know all there is to know but I can learn one new thing each day and tear one more brick out of that wall that holds me back.
• That death is a real and inevitable part of life and it arrives at it's own time. Just because you are breathing, laughing and talking today doesn't mean that you will be doing the same tomorrow.
• That no matter how much time you spend making "connections", building a portfolio and becoming a big wig, when you're sick you are the same as the homeless person you passed at Wal-Mart last Tuesday. Miracles aren't given to the affluent any more than to the common.
• That at least half of nursing is how I approach a patient and their family and the level of confidence that I can help them build with me.
• That, in the end, at the worst time of life, when you get horrible news, when all you have is a prayer...that's when you need your family to just be there around you holding on to you and to each other. No one else can take their place.
• That being in the hospital instantly make it ok to show your hiney.

:)

My Healthy Holiday Indulgence

It all started with a trip to Trader Joe's...the discovery of some awesome Candy Cane Green Tea which helped me get over those afternoon hunger pangs that I feel pretty frequently. When we went back this past time, there was none to be found. It turns out that each store only had one shipment for the holidays. Blahhhhh! So, fortunately my Dad uses g00gle very well and found this replacement....
..plus it's holiday companion, the sugar cookie version. Lemme just say that I bought 8 boxes when I found it today just to hold me until February (maybe). I know already that I will be watching for next year's shipment.

Next Christmas...

We WILL have a tree. We have been talking about going after-the-holidays clearance shopping for a few year's now and today, I finally did it. With no plan, just a Target wandering coincidence. I found the last tree with white lights and a TON of silver and red ornaments - all for a whopping 75% off!!
So next Christmas, I may have to work but we WILL have a tree in our house and we WILL be festive. Or else. I can't wait.

My Letter to Myself

When I started my new job as a nurse, one thing they did was have us write a note to ourselves that they would send us in a few months. I was so psyched to have a job that I may have been a little cheesy but I did smile when I opened it and read it after my boss handed it to me last week. Now if I could only have some confidence as I go forward and remember that "cloud nine" feeling I had when I started, I would be golden.

Scenes from Christmas

I was so fortunate (although sleepy and a tad grumpy) to have my sister and brother (not to forget husband and nephew dog) with us this holiday. While we didn't have a fancy tree or Griswald lights we had each other. Barf, I know.

Me with my jingle jammies and coffee cup...which I will be needing in a week when I start the night shift.

Jeff got a certificate for a Nascar driving adventure...8 laps at his track of choice.

Brandee and Leslie will be decorating their very own messenger bags and I am anxious to see how they turn out.

And this little fellow just nibbled on shoelaces and snuggled with all of us.

We did have 3 stockings...one for me, Jeff and Lily...never far from our thoughts.

Let's hope that some day she will be with us to enjoy Grandma B's green christmas tree cookies...

'Twas the week before Christmas...and I feel like crap

Today I was trying to pull together some things for Christmas. (Hint - it's never good to wait until there's only five days left to venture out into the mayhem of shopper-dom) I went to ole' faithful Target knowing that I would be able to find some good deals and a few of the groceries that I need to sustain us through the week. Wouldn't you know I would be standing between the women's and toddler clothes when the worst wave of sadness came over me. I don't know if it was a wave of realization or just a mixture of PMS, stress and the holidays but I suddenly, out of the blue felt a tear running down my face. As I stared at the little red velvet dresses on sale and the millions of people in the toy aisles trying to pick the perfect toy for their little ones, I knew that the reason I can't get excited for Christmas is because I am incomplete. In our entire 4 year wait (and all the years trying to build a family before that), I have never really felt this kind of despair during the holidays. I started to brainstorm how things were supposed to be...we should have our own 5 year old child to spoil and who would be writing letters to Santa and anticipating a sleepless night this Thursday and we should also have our little girl home from China to dress up in these same red velvet holiday dresses, read Christmas stories to and make construction paper rings to count down the days until Santa comes. Life isn't right and I can't make it that way.

So I went up and down the aisles of Target, just wishing that this holiday season would pass without me having a complete breakdown, hoping that I can glean some drop of joy in what is supposed to be the happiest, most filled-with-love time of the year. As we embark on this week of Christmas, I am trying my best to focus on making green Christmas tree cookies, wrapping the little bit of gifts that I can give to those I love and holding back this sadness that wants to overtake me. I know if I let it then it will be days in pajamas for me...and even bigger pity parties than normal.

So give me a little break this year. Know that when I am staring off in to space, I am thinking about the part of me that isn't here. Trying to be grateful for all the blessings I do have. This will pass, right?!?

My Ladybug Story

The strangest thing is going on in my car and, of course, since I'm always searching for hidden meaning in situations I wish to share. About 6 weeks ago, I was driving down the road and heard a buzz and saw a bug flying around inside my car. It landed on the inside of my windshield and, after I was done freaking out about the whole bug-in-my-car thing, I noticed that it was a ladybug. I smiled. Over the next month, I saw that same ladybug once every few days zipping around inside the car. It never left. Jeff and I took a trip to Mississippi and it rode with us the whole way...mostly on the windshield but some times it would find a home on some other part of the car's interior. Of course I made the link between ladybugs and good luck in China and every time I saw it I would think that this must be a good sign about our baby girl waiting for us. Until about 2 weeks ago...

I opened the back door of the car to get my gym bag off the seat and found my little friend....now a be-speckled ladybug corpse laying on the back seat. I don't have to tell you that this caused me to freak out a little bit. If a ladybug flying around the car for a month is a good sign, then a dead one on the back seat HAS to be bad, right?!? Add this to the fact that China skipped referrals last month and that we have been enduring this never-ending wait for our baby and things just felt wrong. Until today...

I was driving home from work this afternoon and I had a little deja vu...another zipping bug flew in front of my face and landed on the inside of the windshield. It was another ladybug who has now made it's home in our car...where I spend A LOT of my time lately. You might just say that we have a little excess of ladybugs around our house that are finding their way to the car but, seriously, I have seen NO ladybugs outside this year. Therefore, I declare some ooo-weee-oooo going on here. I can choose to see myself as a superstitious mommy-in-waiting who is looking for meaning in any and everything or I can choose to see some hope in this little piece of my days. I choose the latter....happily.

The State of the Adoption

I know I haven't blogged a lot about the adoption lately and, honestly, I am not sure what to say. In the past 5 months, China has skipped monthly referrals twice. The last time they skipped, they only did 3 days worth of Log In Dates (LIDs) the following month. You can see in the right sidebar that there are now 75 days of LIDs before they get to us. This may not seem like a whole lot but estimates for our referral are any where from 10 months from now to another 2-3 years. There is no telling what is ahead for us. So here are a few things that we do know:

FACT: We have now been waiting 42 months (as of December 14th) since China stamped our paperwork petitioning to adopt a baby girl.

FACT: We have updated our US Immigration paperwork 3 times at a cost to us of over $1000 extra, un-budgeted each time.

FACT: We are scheduled to be re-fingerprinted (at a cost of $160) on this Friday at the Dept. of Homeland Security for the 4th time.

FACT: The new-found momentum to clear out and decorate Lily's room has now diminished. We aren't in preparation mode right now due to the uncertainty once again.

FACT: We are trying to save up some more money now that I am working to try to make the remainder of expenses a little less horrifying. If we are good with our saving, we may just be able to pick up some nice things while we're in China to give to our baby girl when she grows up.

FACT: This wait continues to be heart-breaking, depressing, torturous, unpredictable and, regardless of all that, part of our journey.

FACT: We are no less in love with the daughter that will be ours some day.

My arms are boneless chickens

Thanks to the new weight machines at the gym (http://www.hoistfitness.com/), my arms are now limp at my sides. I can't even believe I can type but then again, there is no Hoist machine for your fingers so they still work. The machines are actually super cool. The seat moves when you are lifting, pushing, pulling your muscles in to shape so there is a little bit of Disney factor in your workout. Now, if I can just manage to go to the gym more than once or twice a week, my muscles might look less like boneless chickens and more like Jillian Mich@el's...a girl can wish, right?!

Newk's and New Moon

Friday night, Jeff and I went out with Brandee and Leslie for a little birthday bite to eat at Newk's followed by New Moon at the theater. Leslie and I are Twilight readers so we had to convince the others to come along for some Edward and Bella-watching. After this movie, I am really not sure if I am Team Edward or Team Jacob. Regardless, the movie was just ok, the make-up and acting were mediocre and the special effects not-so-special but it really it's not too hard to impress the teeny bopper crowd that swarms.

Brandee sandwich at Newk's...they should add it to the menu.

Breslie


Jicole or Neff - not sure what works

Smiles!

Snow!!

We had some surprise snow flurries on Friday night - see what we woke up to on Saturday...

Not much but it was pretty for the few hours that it lasted. Next time there will be a snowball fight at our place... :)