Perspective

Last week I had a couple of interesting clinical days that made me ponder a few things. Before I started nursing school, I really had no clue what health care was about. In reality, I learn more every day about what it is like to care for a patient, their family and their health care experience...and I know that I will forever be learning and molding my skills and ability. Taking care of a patient/client is so much more than being able to interpret their lab work and knowing the side effects of their medications. It is about talking, showing kind eyes, encouraging without providing false hope, wrapping your literal and figurative arm around someone who is ill and their spouse, parent, child and cushioning them from the blow of a sometimes unexpected and never welcome experience. I am learning this. It isn't always easy to translate a nurturing instinct into caring for someone whom you have never met. But it is possible and I feel it happening more and more with every experience with which I am faced.

In this whole nursing school experience, I learn from so many places...from my instructors, from the nurses and doctors in the clinical setting, from my peers, my books, but mostly I learn from those I am caring for. And my lessons aren't all about nursing. Last week I learned about life and perspective, hope and inspiration, courage, optimism and tenacity. I met someone who could only teach me with smiles through pain, "tomorrows" and "next years" without knowing if they would come to be and overwhelming gratitude for every breath and every moment. These lessons are the most valuable of not just my nursing school experience but, also, of my life. I don't know if my "teacher" last week knows these lessons that I took away from our time. I do know that, in this adventure, I have the potential every day to meet people who will inspire me. So when I feel down, when I am immersed in my pity parties and grump fests, I will try to remember the perspective of a very special person who I met last week and smile through pain, talk about tomorrow and next year and be grateful for each breath and each moment. If he can do it, I can do it...right?

My Butterfly

My sweet baby girl,

One day you will be born into this world. It's scary here some times and I worry that this world won't be good enough for you. I promise that I will protect you from electric sockets, mean people and sharp table corners. You will cry and I will hold you and sing you lullabies.

One day you will be a toddler. I worry that you may get sick or that there will be mean people who cross your path. I promise that I will protect you from unkind words and icky germs. You will cry and I will hold you and rub your head and tell you that everything will be ok.

One day you will be a child. I worry that you will feel insecure, that you won't see the gifts inside of you. I promise that I will be your biggest fan and protect you from sadness. You will cry and I will hold you and remind you of how special you are.

One day you will be a teenager. I am worried that someone will break your heart, that you will want to grow up and not be my baby anymore. I promise that I will be here to encourage you through heartache, to teach you all I know about life and let go just enough. You will cry and I will hold you, wipe away your tears and listen to your dreams.

One day you will be a woman. It's scary here and some times I am worried that this world will not be good enough for you. I promise to prepare you for what lies ahead and to show you how beautiful it can be. You will cry and I will hold you and smile. You are my butterfly. I can't wait to see you soar.

Love,

Your Mommy

Patience is a virtue - just not one of mine

I have been having a really hard time lately dealing with the fact that it may be quite a long time before I become a mommy. I have just been feeling really impatient and wanting the adoption to happen right NOW! It has been 4 1/2 months since our paperwork went to China but it was 8 months before that of preparing paperwork and 4 years before that of infertility...a long time to hold on to a dream unfulfilled. Anyway - I decided today to look for something inspiring to help me a little bit and found this couple's "Gotcha Day" video on YouTube. It is not too tear-jerking but it is really beautiful (what I needed or else I would be a sobbing wreck).

Miracles

I know in my heart that all children are miracles and I witnessed some last night at our very first Families with Children from China (FCC) Waiting Families meeting. We were among 4 waiting families and 4 who were already home with their little girls. While I was a little disturbed that we were the ones with the most recent log in date and have the longest wait still ahead of us, I am so grateful that Jeff and I had the opportunity to meet other families who have been or are going through the same thing that we are. The baby girls were so sweet and their parents eyes were just so filled with love and contentment. I can't wait until we are the ones sharing our baby girl with families in the "waiting phase". We will meet about every 6 weeks and have speakers about adoption related topics. Just the stories from China and the honest accounts of real-life issues that these new parents have faced make these meetings so necessary for us. I just hope and pray that we are parents by this time next year - I know that is such a stretch for the timeline in China right now but I have to hold on to something.

PS - This is a picture from The Children's Place website :).

WARNING! Mushy post about the adoption

I didn't sleep too well last night. My mind was racing with thoughts about the adoption. It was exactly one year ago yesterday that Jeff and I sat on the couch in the living room and talked intensely about our options for creating our family. We had recently gotten bad news from the fertility doctor about our chances of ever having our own biological children and we were at a crossroads. Our options were to keep on spending time, money, emotional energy to continue fertility treatment or to put that part of our journey behind us and explore adoption. Needless to say our overwhelming choice was to start down the road of adoption and, within 5 minutes, we decided our baby girl was in China.

The decision that we made that day brought me the most overwhelming sense of peace. The struggle of infertility and loss was so painful for me and some days I still feel like I haven't completely put that grief behind me. When Jeff and I came together and decided that it didn't take our genes joining for us to truly and completely give our hearts to a child that would be ours, it was such a magical feeling. For the first time in years, I had so much hope for our future as parents and for my own future as a mommy - one role that I have desperately longed for for so long. That day and that decision have changed me. The dreams and hopes I hold today are drastically different than those that I held onto at the start of the fertility treatment. I dream of being handed my little girl and comforting her as she grieves the loss of her life in China. I dream of watching Jeff shower his little girl with kisses and love and seeing them create a father-daughter bond that will fulfill him and be a gift to both of them. I dream of Jeff and I as mommy and daddy to a precious child that was chosen for us by God.

This is a pretty emotional day for me as I remember this decision, reflect on the years that have brought Jeff and I to this point and look toward the future when, eventually, our dreams to become parents will be complete.

One year ago today, following our decision to start this journey, we completed the preliminary application to our adoption agency. After the 8 months of preparing our complete plea to China to allow us to adopt a baby girl, we now sit and wait (some days more patiently than others) for a picture of our future to come to us. We have no idea how long it will take....a year, two, three....there is no way to tell right now. The wait is hard now and will most likely get worse before it gets better but I have to convince myself that we have already survived the hardest part of our struggle to build a family. We are in this moment where we are supposed to be...

Red Thread

I did this cross stitch before our paperwork went to China. This Chinese proverb is one that prospective adoptive parents hold on to during this long wait to be matched with their babies. Kinda neat, huh?

Our first ultrasound

I have seen this on tons of China adoption websites and blogs and just HAD to do it. We made the decision to adopt from China 10 months and 10 days ago and we have now had our dossier logged in to the CCAA (Chinese government agency that will match us with our baby) for 2 months, 1 week and 1 day. The wait right now is estimated to be 12-18 months from log in so we still have a while to wait. This ultrasound will be as close to we get to seeing our baby girl until the CCAA sends us our referral. I absolutely can't wait for that day!!