I worry too much. I know I do. I always have and there is not much I can do about it. I try to exercise, distract myself, do the little techniques I've read about in books and magazines but, right now, these are all futile. While Jeff and I are totally focused on Lily these days, we were thrown for a little loop last week and now I have something else to worry about. This isn't related to the adoption at all but, still, it is a cause to worry. And it's got me on a downward spiral.
Anyway...for this moment I will focus on my reasons to worry about our adoption. First, we had a big deal happen when we first sent our paperwork to China. FedEx didn't scan it's arrival in China and we couldn't confirm that it got there. They told us it was lost. We are talking several pounds of paper that had travelled all over the US for special seals, authentication, letters from a million people....things that could not be replicated easily. Anyway...after about a week of ulcers, our agency told us that it was actually received and gave us our log-in-date...6/14/06. So....what if it never really got there? What if China doesn't really know that we've been waiting for our precious little one for all these years? AND then what if our log in date is not really correct? We mailed our package on 6/9/06 and were logged in just 5 days later. That was not too far off from what was happening at that time but still....what if it's wrong?!? AND what if our file has gotten lost while it has sat on the shelves in China for the past 5 years? Paperwork gets lost...what is protecting our file from disappearing in to the hole of nothingness?!? What if the person who is responsible for matching us with Lily takes one look at our pictures and hates us? What if he/she thinks we aren't worthy of being parents? What happens then?
Oh my goodness....I am a wreck. All of these thoughts really are in my brain but I try not to speak them or else everyone around me will be googling "Baker Act". I know none of these worries are in my control right now and I just have to let it go. As far as Lily, we have really done all we can do to make sure things run smoothly at this point. Everything in our power has been done. I know this. Some times that calms me but other times....
For now, Jeff and I are going to try our best to survive the next week intact. Please think about us, especially Jeff, on Monday, March 14th, as that will be a stressful and important day for the "other" thing that is a source of worry. After that, we will get back to Lily. I promise, if all goes well, then I will try my absolute best to focus on the excitement of what we are about to experience and I will make every effort to rid myself of the irrational worries.
Welcome to the brain of Neurotic Nicole. :)
2 comments:
I'm worried, too. Worried that I'm still too disconnected from what is about to happen. I'm scared to think about it too much. Must be all these years of disappointment. Worried that I'm not doing what I should be to be as prepared as possible...but I don't know what else to do. I think it's all normal to be freaking out this much. I hope, anyway.
Good luck with the other thing. I'll be thinking of you.
Thanks Krista. I think you are right...it must be normal to be freaking out this much. I really never expected this last month of waiting to be so emotionally charged. I am definitely still in self-protection mode, like you, and can't quite force myself to let the butterflies in my stomach loose. This wait has done that to us. I'm looking forward to the day that the wait is overshadowed by the joy of our babies.
Unfortunately for us, there is no book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting Your Baby from China That You've Been Dreaming About For 5 Years." Maybe after all this is over, we should write one.
Thanks for the thoughts on the other thing too...I really, really appreciate it. :)
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