We are in possession of the notorious clam chowder

Remember this ---> Tale of the Clam Chowder ?!? Well...my parents were visiting a few weeks ago and I knew it as only a matter of time before they transferred possession of the notorious clam chowder back to Jeff and I. After all, it has been a bit since we plotted and schemed a way to exchange ownership. Usually this happens by hiding said old, foil-reinforced can of clam chowder and rushing out the door only to call the victimized party a few minutes after leaving to tell them to make sure to look in the special hiding spot.

Well...this time I was headed to work as Mom and Dad were getting ready to head back to Virginia and, wouldn't you know, I get this picture text ---




See my sneaky Dad depositing that blasted can of clam chowder on top of the TV stand??? Of course, that night when I came home it was right there as they had left it. Boogers. So now Jeff and I have a challenge ahead of us...how to come up with a sneaky way to make sure that we can stick them with the can again ASAP. I definitely don't want to be in possession when it decides to explode.

Christmas 2010

Here are some scenes from our Christmas. We were so fortunate to have Brandee, Leslie, Jason and Archimedes over for the holiday. We made kraut runsis and just visited with each other. It was great.
Me forcing Archimedes to pose for a self picture. He would rather eat my face.

Jeff just fakes not liking dogs. Really.

Cheeeeeeeese.

Leslie and Brandee about to open stockings. Brandee was sporting her sparkly Santa hat....she always has to rock something style-ey.

My bro opts not to be featured in photography but he was there cracking us up the whole day. Jeff and I are so, so lucky to have such a great fam.

Next Year is Gonna ROCK

I spent today taking down Christmas decorations. Trust me, it was more fun putting them up. But anyway...one thing I have been doing over the past few days is writing down some of the things I want to do next year and taping them on the closet door (where I hung our stockings and cards). Today, I pulled them down and I'm going to tuck them in her stocking until next year. I am so, so excited that the next time I see these stockings, the Christmas lights and ornaments, candles and such will be when I am unpacking them with our little one.

As we close out this year, I am more excited for the future than ever before. This WILL be the year that Jeff and I have what we have dreamed about for our entire marriage....a family!

Imagining Next Christmas Eve...

I'm stealing this topic from one of my favorite adoption forums...I can't help it. As Jeff and I sit here watching the news on Christmas Eve and watch the weatherman track Santa on his NORAD, I really can't NOT think about what next year will be like...or how thankful I am for where we are right now.

Let me start by saying that this past couple of weeks has been a trial of patience and a huge reminder of how precious life, health and happiness are. Dad was in the hospital for the 2nd time in 2 weeks and, although there are still no concrete answers as to what is going on, he is feeling better and I am really hopeful that things will resolve in the best possible way. I know Dad reads this blog, probably more than anyone, and I just want to express how much this has reminded me of how much I cherish my parents. The thought of anything happening to them drives me to almost seizures of panic. I can't even imagine. I love them both so much and want desperately to share the excitement that Jeff and I are about to have with them and watch them become grandparents to our Lily. I just know that she will love them as much as I do.

Maybe it's the drama of these past few weeks that is bringing me to all the thoughts of Lily tonight. All the Christmases we will share. The excitement-filled and sleepless Chrismas Eve nights that are to come. Jeff and I up late putting together dollhouses and bicycles. Us helping her write her own letters to Santa every year. The Elf on a Shelf pranks. The story times and candy canes. Starting next year, Christmas will be different for us. We put up a tree this year because I swore we would, whether we were home with our girl or not. The lights are twinkling and they will again in 365 days from now as we prepare to tuck Lily in to bed for Christmas Eve night. I want her to have Christmases like me, Jason and Brandee had growing up. Special new pajamas to wear to bed on Christmas Eve, early morning wake ups, green Christmas tree cookies, those special ornaments on the tree that we made in school as gifts for our parents, giggles, playing all afternoon. I have such precious memories with my family and really, really can't wait to make new memories with my child.

On this Christmas Eve night, I ask Santa to fill my stocking with hope and faith and a promise for next year. All I really want is my family...all of us together, healthy, happy and looking forward. Next year, Christmas is at the Masseys. I can't wait!!

4 1/2 years = 54 months

Today marks 54 months of our "official" wait. Hopefully not much longer to go...

Thank You Vaseline

Days of coating my hands with vaseline to try to plump up my fingerprints and give those ridges some stick-to-it-tive-ness worked! We received our immigration approval with updated fingerprints today. I am thrilled!! I really was worried about having to be fingerprinted a couple times unsuccessfully and then having to travel to some far-away city again like the last time. I was also worried about some document being missing or some procedure change that would wreak havoc on this renewal also. It seems like a lot of people who are going through renewals lately have been having lots of problems so I have been prepared for a hullabaloo.

Now, with this hurdle toppled, all we can do is wait, read books, make sure the nursery is completely ready, make our packing lists, learn more about attachment, try to enjoy our last few childless months and just count the days until we see Lily's face. It's been hard these past couple of months because things are so very unpredictable with this process. In fact, referrals are later than normal this month and it is making me want to chew my fingers off. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing I can do about it...just hope that she is safe, healthy and happy while she waits for us.

Bullets

Lots of things going on here these days...and I am failing to blog successfully about them so here goes some bullets.

• Mom and Dad were here in the 'Ham for almost 2 weeks. Although I had some horrendous PMS for a few days, I still really enjoyed their visit. Thanksgiving was great with Brandee, Leslie and Jason here with their canine children. Having all of them around makes me realize how intensely I miss my family. I wish everyone lived closer.
• Weight W@tchers has changed the points program and I am reeling. I have been counting points now for almost 8 years and this change has thrown me for a super loop. It is a healthier program but really pushes protein and fruits/veggies. I guess it doesn't hurt to change it up especially when I have been struggling up and down with these same 30 lbs. In the last month I have lost 10.4 lbs so I can't complain. I just need to keep it up so I can be a slimmer momma when we travel to China.
• I have now been in my "new" job for a little over 6 months and I am getting used to it. We are so, so busy every day when I work and I really work with some fantastic people. I am sure that cardiac nursing is where I am supposed to be and am starting to think about what my future may hold in this area. I really do plan to go back to school but Jeff and I need to get Lily home and settled first.
• Dad was in the hospital on Friday after having some tummy/chest pains. He was admitted for observation and to say I was a little worried is a huge understatement. Thankfully he started feeling better and was discharged late Saturday after ruling out any acute cardiac event. Don't scare me like that again please.
• Jason continues to rock his new house. He is learning all kinds of home improvement things and I am counting on him to share all his knowledge as we look toward re-doing one of our bathrooms. I'm talking tile, new toilet, new tub fixtures, etc.
• Brandee is in the throes of retail holiday nightmare. She has been working tons and dealing with those nasty holiday shoppers. Poor thing.
• Jeff is on cloud nine these days with his fave team, Auburn, now going to the BCS National Championship. He cracks me up with his blue and orange theme every Saturday and I have to say that watching him and how much he enjoys his Auburn football has made me find secret pleasure in sitting and watching it with him. I just love when he talks to the TV.
• While last month's China referrals were less than stellar, we are still fairly close to seeing Lily's face. This month's referrals should be coming out any day and we will have a better idea of what we are facing then but my best guess would be that we have 2-3 more months left. Earliest referral...late January. Latest referral....June or July. I'll take it.
• Jeff and I went to be fingerprinted last Tuesday, November 30th in order to update our immigration paperwork. If you remember, I was un-fingerprint-able last time so this time I spent a couple days putting vaseline on my hands trying to plump up my prints. I did this because the only thing that works to get my fingerprints to take on the medication machine at work is for me to rub my finger on my forehead...just enough face grease to make the print visible for the machine. Pretty gross, huh?!? Hopefully my prints will take and we won't have paperwork renewal drama. Cross fingers and say prayers for us.
• Last week I turned the big 3-5. It was a big deal for me. I don't know why this one is hitting me harder than any other.

I'm guess that pretty much sums things up for now. We are looking forward to an exciting few months ahead and are really looking forward to closing out 2010 and charging straight ahead in to 2011...which promises to be the best year yet.

Dear Sweet Lily,
Today is Thanksgiving and, although you are not here with Mommy and Daddy, we are thankful for you. We got to spend today with all of Mommy's family - your grandparents, aunts and uncle and cousin-dogs. We loved spending time with each other but we know in our hearts that you are missing. As we prepare to spend this last holiday season without you, I hope so much that you are safe and healthy and bundled up tight. I hope a nanny or foster mommy is cooing at you and giving you hugs. I hope you know deep down in your heart that you are so, so loved and your forever family is longing for the day that you will join us. Not one minute goes by when images of you don't fill my mind. I can't wait to be your Mommy. I can't wait to fix you Thanksgiving dinners, to answer your questions about pilgrims and Indians, to read you "'Twas the Night Before Christmas", to track Santa's sleigh on Norad with you, to hang your stocking with Mommy's and Daddy's, to see your beautiful face filled with joy. You, my sweet baby girl, are so wanted in this house and family. The years of dreaming of you are about to culminate with the day that you are placed in our arms. Then the dreams will be of you growing up happy, healthy and knowing forever that your Mommy and Daddy once prayed so hard for you and loved you so much before even seeing your sweet smile. You are not here with us but you are....always. I am thankful for you, for the hope that you bring me, for the future that we will have as a family and for every giggle, smile, tear that await us.

Love,

Mommy

22 Days

Referrals have been sent for this month and they covered 5 days of log in dates. This means that there are 22 log in days now before the officials in China have our paperwork in front of them to match us with Lily. Just a little reminder of how this process works:

When we finished compiling all of our paperwork for adoption in June of 2006 (which took us from Oct, 2005-June, 2006) we sent it all bundled up together in a package called our dossier. It was delivered via FedEx to the China Center for Adoption Affairs (CCAA) and they stamped it with the date they processed it and put it in the stack - JUNE 14, 2006. Each month when referrals are issued, the CCAA matches the babies available with the families, in order of date processed (log in date). It's kind of like pulling a ticket at the deli counter except this ticket is our magical log in date. Referrals are issued about once 25-45 days. When they get to our ticket number/log in date then the CCAA will match us with Lily. Each month, a different number of families whose paperwork has been stamped with log in dates ahead of ours are being matched. This past month, the dates that were matched were May 19-23, 2006. That means that there were enough babies available to match the families that were logged in on those dates. These families had all waited the same length of time...from mid-May, 2006 to now. The wait for these folks was officially 54-ish months. We have waited almost 53 months. Our wait will probably end up being 56-ish months.

When we are matched, the CCAA will send our adoption agency a picture or two of Lily along with information like her date of birth, where in China she is living and some basic developmental and medical information. A lot of this info will be in Chinese and will have to be translated. Once our agency receives it, we will get "the call" and our amazing China coordinator will tell us what she knows. I believe Jeff and I will jump in the car IMMEDIATELY (hopefully our respective workplaces will be understanding) and drive to the office to see pictures and get copies of everything. Then, of course, we plan to share all of this with our friends and family.

After we formally accept the referral, we have to do some more paperwork and wait for China to send us travel approval. At that time, we will book some very important appointments and book our travel. It should be about 6 weeks after we first receive Lily's referral...which I am guessing will be a busy but rough 6 weeks since we will have seen our little one's face.

Does this make sense? I get a lot of questions about how this process works and it is pretty difficult to explain.

4th time's a charm

Remember the paperwork we have been updating lately? Well...look what came today...

Our updated home study! The 4th and LAST one (at least we so, so hope)!!! These updates are no joke either. It has taken us since June to get this far and I have spent a portion of every one of my days off working on documents, researching where things go and what procedures to follow, etc. So you know I was hugely relieved when I could put all of our hard work in to this pretty little white envelope...

...and visit this place that has benefitted with a good amount of money from us during this 4-5 year adoption process.

With any luck, we will be going for more fingerprinting soon. Please cross your fingers and send some prayers that I will grow fingerprints in the meantime since I have been un-fingerprint-able the past several times. Lily's getting ever so closer...

Running

About 4-5 years ago, I started running. It started inside the YMCA where I worked out when I was first losing weight. There was a track inside the gym, above the basketball courts, where 14 laps made a mile. It was inside so the temperature was always right, it was never rainy and there were no hills. I ran and ran and ran, some days spending an hour and a half and running as many as 7 miles at a time. Of course I was nearing my weight goal so I was fit and pretty small (about 35 lbs smaller than I am now actually).

Then Jeff and I joined our first Couch to 5K group. Running outdoors was not an easy transition. Running on a treadmill is one thing, running a distance on an indoor track is another and running outside on pavement with hills, traffic and weather is a completely different beast. I was running 7 miles indoors but struggled to make 2 miles outside. But I did it. And then 3. Then 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 miles at a time. We completed 5k and 10k races and had a huge sense of accomplishment. Then bust...my knee gave out and I had to have surgery. From that point on, I have struggled to run without injury. And struggled to lose the weight I gained post injury and, now, post nursing school (well shoot...let's just say the weight I gained from life and living).

I am still struggling with my diet but I feel like I am getting a little handle on my exercise and running. Jeff and I started a new Couch to 5k, 10k group in August and today I did my 2nd 5 mile run of this week. Tuesday's run felt good but it was a struggle for sure and today's, while still a struggle, made me feel stronger...like I might just be getting IT back. And by IT, I mean that peace, relief of stress and absolute adrenaline high that running can give me. It feels good.

Reality TV Commentary

It's no secret that we watch a lot of TV. Jeff watches so much Judge Judy that I am beginning to think she is a part of the family. I hear her voice more than I hear Jeff's. But there are a few reality shows that I like...or that I watch anyway.
The First 48 is a pretty morbid one. It tells the story of the first 48 hours after a homicide and the police's quest to solve the murder during this "golden" time in which most murder cases have an arrest. A season or so ago they started filming cases in Birmingham. Now Jeff and I have turned this show in to a puzzle...where do we know that person from? I swear just knowing it is filmed in our city makes all the victims, suspects and their families look familiar.

Speaking of shows filmed in our city, this weeks Undercover Boss had two segments filmed here. They highlighted Direct TV and the President/CEO who went "undercover" to see what strengths/areas for improvement can be identified in field operations or at the "grassroots level". He spent a day in the training center in Bessemer doing service calls and then another day with a tech/satellite installer in Birmingham. One of the days, he went on a service call to the house of one of Jeff's co-workers parents. So we actually could play the puzzle game again with this show. Regardless, it's a good show that usually ends in CEO's starting new incentive or training programs and giving money to their lowest paid, most deserving employees. Kinda heart-warming.

Ok...this show I watched for the first time this week and it disturbed me. But I couldn't look away. One man married to three woman and planning a wedding with a fourth. 13 children. Drama. Is it legal? No. But it sure is entertaining.

This one I have watched since it started a couple seasons ago. Mostly I started watching it because there was nothing else on. The first season it featured a new teenage girl each week and her story of pregnancy and new motherhood (the 16 and Pregnant days). The second season it chose 4 of these girls and followed them and their children through year one and now year two. The show definitely shows how chaotic the lives of young women can be and how different people approach parenthood. There is one that abuses her baby daddy and lets her daughter cry herself crazy, another that lives for her son but can't balance custody with the father, going to college, dating a new boy and basically young adult life. A third is dealing with single motherhood, financial problems and a bad relationship with her own parents while grieving the death of her baby's dad.

The final teen mom is the one that keeps me watching. Catelynn. Poor thing. She and her baby's father made the decision to place their daughter for adoption against the wishes of their parents. The show watched her have her baby and showed her say good-bye. Now it shows her journey through teenage years as she grieves her baby and continues to suffer the cruelty of her mother who is angry about the adoption and...well just plain angry.

Catelynn and Tyler (above) are such a neat couple who acknowledge that giving their baby a good home was the best decision for them and for her and are actually planning to get married, go to college and have a family some day when they are ready. The adoption is semi-open and in tonight's episode they get to see the baby for the first time since her birth. I am just in awe of this young couple. They are such teenagers but so mature when it comes to their daughter. As an adoptive mommy-in-waiting, it is so heart-warming to see this perspective and such a validation that there are so many facets of any adoption. Even with all of this, Catelynn is still a teenager in high school who is basically abused by her mother. I just want to give her a great big hug and tell her how awesome she is and how much I admire her strength. Well poo I just went and got emotional.

That concludes my reality TV commentary for this evening.

Five Years

Five years and one day ago today Jeff and I had broken hearts. We had gotten the news that, even with thousands of dollars worth of fertility treatments and continuing the roller coaster journey we had been on for almost 4 years, our chances of conceiving, having a healthy pregnancy and bringing home a baby were only 15-20%. We sat on this very same couch that I am on right now as I blog and broke beneath our heavy hearts. I have written several times about the experience of infertility and pregnancy loss but I can never, ever really convey how it feels. It is the deepest despair, grief and utter loss of hope that I have ever felt. I remember so well getting the phone calls from the doctor's office with bad lab results or even worse and the emptiness that repeatedly filled me. I remember hoping every month for good results from all the pills, injections, procedures, tests and feeling so filled with optimism just to fall deeply off the cliff with the arrival of bad news. Over and over and over. Even thinking about it this far out still makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. To say that I am healed from that devastation would be a lie. The scars are permanent and have shaped me. However, on that day, five years and one day ago today, Jeff and I decided to end that cycle of hurt and try to move forward.

We are so close to seeing Lily's face right now that I almost can't believe that it was five years ago today, October 12th, that Jeff and I decided to submit our application to our adoption agency. We chose China. We chose a baby girl. We chose to be a family. And this journey chose us.

Five years is a long time. Jeff and I have been through A LOT in that time. We have had great times and really bad times. Lots of couples don't survive infertility and I think it says a lot that we are now stronger than we have ever been. When I think about the future and becoming a mother, part of my joy comes from knowing that this amazing man will be Lily's father. These five years have given us that appreciation and strength that maybe we didn't have before. They have given us a measure of healing, a change in perspective and a growth in who we are as individuals and as a couple. Mostly, these five years are about to give us a child. One we have dreamed of and who has grown in our hearts for a very, very long time.

Jeff - Happy five year anniversary of the most amazing decision we have ever made as a couple. The one that will change us again very soon. I love you.

:)

Couch to Race Day

Jeff and I started training with a running group again about 6 weeks ago. We haven't been able to be as hard core as we would like because our schedules have been I-N-S-A-N-E (plus that little vacation we took last week), but we made it to today. This morning we woke up early on a pretty Saturday morning and joined a ba-jillion people in downtown Birmingham for this year's Race for the Cure.
We donned our race numbers, wiped the sleepy from our eyes, I blew my nose a few times since I have been sick all week and we got in our little happy Honda and zipped to the race.

Our goal was to just finish the 5k (3.1 mile) race without having to walk at all. Our longest training run so far has been 4 miles so we were pretty sure we could do it.

And we did. Now we plan to buckle down a little bit over the next few weeks in preparation for the next race...a 10k...6.2 miles. We've done it before but now we are older...and not wiser. Wish us luck. :)

Who are these people?

Great picture, huh?!? These people are my parents. With our referral for Lily seemingly close, I have been doing so much thinking about parenting, balancing work and motherhood, financing a child and meeting all of her needs and on and on and on. Needless to say, I know there is so much that goes in to raising children and I know that I have tons to learn. I know I'll make mistakes. But I also really know that I have what it takes to be a good mom. I just have to seize that opportunity and do my absolute best.

In all my reflection lately, I have to say that I realize even more that I have amazing parents. There are so many things that make them great as not only parents but as people and I am just in awe of them some times (like the combined 60+ pounds that they have lost on Weight Watchers in the past couple months - go Mom and Dad!). My family as a whole has just been so supportive of Jeff and I through this adoption journey and Lily will be so fortunate to have the love of so many fantastic people too. I am so excited that Mom and Dad are even thinking of travelling to China with us. It goes without saying that I can not wait to be a mother to my sweet baby girl. I can't wait to see the man that I love become a father. It really brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that moment when Jeff and I take our child in to our arms. But even more, I can not wait to see my parents as grandparents. They will be amazing all over again. I can't wait to spend child-filled holidays, school programs, temper tantrums and cartoon watching with them. It will be so much fun. Just a few more months....

Buried in paperwork

This adoption paperwork update is something. We quickly pulled together new versions of a lot of forms and such that we have gotten multiple times before but that is not where it ends. With our referral visible in the distance, this renewal is unlike any other because the time crunch is on and because the government has restructured a lot of the offices that handle our applications. I am about to send the OFFICIAL letter to the government to get this renewal underway but am really not sure where it should go. Like most restructuring processes, this one has left a lot of confusion in it's wake. I have e-mailed our adoption agency in hopes that they have some direction to give us. Otherwise I am going to spin the wheel of possible addresses and hope for the best. Arghh.

I really, really want this update to go smoothly and quickly. Of course, with our update we have to update fingerprints again. Not too big of a deal if you actually HAVE fingerprints, unlike me. I have a new tactic that I learned at work though. In order to sign in to our medication machines, we have to use our fingerprint. This is a primo problem for me but I've learned that if I rub my finger on my greasy forehead before I put it on the plate then it takes. Do you think the immigration people will let me rub my whole hand on my face before I place it on their fingerprinting machine?!? I'll take bets on that one.

oh my goodness oh my goodness - maybe 3 more months

This morning, I woke up to our first full day home from vacation to find the projections for referrals after this most recent batch. This month only covered 3 days worth of Log In Days (LID's) but, if you recall one of my posts from last month, we were only expecting 2 LID's to be covered. This is because there were quite a few families who had their paperwork received in China on these days so, although 3 days were covered, the same or more # of families received their referrals this month.

All of this to say that projections came out and it looks like we will most likely receive our referral in just about 3 months. Something about "3 months" just makes me so excited. In reality, we could receive our referral any time from December to February. This projection has been pretty consistent over the past several months so I am really starting to have faith in it. Can you believe that after all this time, we may just have 3 months until we see Lily's face?!?!

My source for all of the projection info is the Rumor Queen (www.chinaadopttalk.com) and here is her projection chart. The entire post is found here --> http://chinaadopttalk.com/2010/10/04/projections-37/.


In a nutshell, it says that if things continue as they have been that we are in line to receive our referral (Lily's picture along with a summary of her development, location, date of birth, etc) in late December or early January. If things are a little worse then it may be late January or early February. If it's a little better...well we won't even go there.

I am sure I will write a mushy post soon about what all this means to us but, for now, let's just say that we are so, so excited that we seem to be close to our daughter. Closer than ever before.

Of course we are still in the midst of updating our home study and immigration approval and are praying that this goes smoothly and without a hitch.

Can you believe that in just 3 months, we may know the face of the little one who we have dreamed about for almost 5 years?!? Yippeee!!!

Baby-moon

Jeff and I just got back from a full-fledged vacation. This was our first vacation since way before I decided to go back to school. We are talking YEARS. We have been planning this trip for over a year now and it was definitely overdue. We took a 7 day cruise to Nassau, Bahamas, St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands and St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles. It was awesome.

We did a lot of lounging around, taking naps, eating whatever we wanted, talking and day-dreaming about what our next vacation with Lily will be like, dressing up for fancy dinners and just plain being adventurous. We took an excursion in St. Maarten which was called "Scenic Coastal Hike". It actually should have been called "Hike along some very steep cliffs with dangerous water below". It was beautiful. We really, really needed this trip.

2010-09-26 Cruise - September 2010

2010-09-27 Cruise - 1st Day at Sea

2010-09-28 Cruise Day 3,4 - St Thomas

2010-09-29 St. Maarten Day

2010-09-30 September 30 - Cruise Day 6

2010-10-02 Last Day of Cruise

Fragile Dreams

Once again, we are in the process of updating our home study and immigration paperwork for Lily's adoption. This is the 4th time we have completed this paperwork (which expires every 18 months). Every time we do this, it is stressful. There is a full page of documents that we have to turn in. We have to go through re-screening by the state and US governments, get new notarized references from our family members and notarized letters from our jobs, visit our doctor for more health screenings and notarized letters about cholesterol medicine and it's relationship to the ability to parent and on and on. While I feel that this is all a little much, I completely can appreciate that the powers-that-be want to make sure a child will be safe and secure in our household. I completely understand that.

But today my ground was shaken a little bit. We got a call from the state requesting more information on one of our forms. The way the woman was talking, she made me believe that we might lose our approval if they didn't deem our additional info worthy. After I had my minor heart attack, I ran to Office Depot to fax what they were requesting and proceeded to glue the phone to my hand until she called me back. I was crazy texting Jeff and my heart rate must have stayed above 150 for a solid 2 hours. My mind was racing with thoughts of how I would go on if we lost our approval. I have spent 5 years dreaming of and preparing for Lily and, now that I can see the end of this journey approaching, how would I ever get over this loss. It would be like a horrible miscarriage all over again.

It may sound freakish but Lily is alive inside me. She lives in my mind every day. I actually feel my heart warm when Jeff and I talk about her. I know she has been born. I know my arms ache for her. The loss of her would ruin me. And our fate rests in the signatures of a mass of people who have no idea. To them, we are just a case number and two names that mean nothing. They don't know that our nursery is in it's final stages and ready for our sweet girl to lay her head. They don't know that Jeff and I talk about her future, saving for her college, the day that she will get married, taking her to Disney World.

In an instant, the dream of a family can be taken away from us. Fortunately, it won't be this time. I got the call that our paperwork will go out to us Monday since the mail had already run for today...no further action needed. I don't want to go through this emotional roller coaster but I'm afraid it is a part of life for the next few months as we get our paperwork renewed and wait for Lily's referral. I pray in earnest that this process goes smoother than I anticipate, that our referral comes sooner than I anticipate and that our fragile dream is not as fragile as I feel it is right now.

Starting from the couch

Jeff and I joined the Couch to 10K program this week....AGAIN. We have done this program twice before and we really love it. Basically it's supposed to be a bunch of out-of-shape people who get together to be trained to complete a 5K (Race for the Cure on Oct. 9) and a 10K (Vulcan Run on Nov. 6). The running coach is very motivational, we meet for group runs a few times a week and it is at a pace that we can stand. While we are not absolutely new to running, I am pretty out of shape and really need this. Of course Jeff''s legs are 15 feet long and he is resilient so he can run like he never took a break at all. More than getting back in to shape, running gives me a peace and mental break that I long for. It really is the best kind of therapy.

So we took part in our first group run on Monday and here we were, ready to take the bull by the horns and toss it over our shoulders.
And here we were after the first run, sweaty and beat...but still smiling.

And lastly, our running coach challenged us to add a new element to this running season. For every mile that we run, we are going to put $1 in to our new Peggy the piggy bank. After we finish the season or reach our goal (we are so hoping to complete the Mercedes Half-Marathon in February - walk or run or ralk), we will empty the bank and do something special.

Isn't she cute?!? I think right now she bears an odd resemblance to the out-of-shape coucher that I am. Hopefully not for long. Oink oink.

Must See TV

Yay! One of our favorite TV show's won an Emmy! If you haven't watched M0dern Family, you really must. I think it's hilarious. Maybe it's just my freakish sense of humor but I really laugh out loud with almost every episode.
My mouth is curling at the corners just thinking that the new season will start soon. :)

Peek at Lily's Room - In Progress

I came home last Saturday after work (I work every 3rd Saturday - GREAT schedule for a nurse) and Jeff had moved the old bed out of Lily's Room and put together the crib. I was so surprised and immediately moved to put together some of the other furniture and arrange the room. So every day since, we have done a little more to prepare Lily's room. I took this picture in the middle of last week and have since hung some things on the walls, scooted things around and bought a couple more small things. I am really loving it so far and I know that it will be such a great place for our little girl to rest her head.

Of course when it comes closer to time to bring her home, we will wash and iron everything and get it looking perfect. For now, we are in the midst of another Lily project - updating our home study and paperwork for the 4th time. Our immigration approval expires Jan. 8th and we have to receive our referral, travel and be home before it expires. Not gonna happen so we are pulling everything together now so that we can make sure it is in the office where it needs to be 90 days before our expiration (the max time it is supposed to take for renewal). I don't want there to be anything at all that might delay us from holding Lily in our arms once we see her sweet face and if our paperwork is not current, there will be no travel for Jeff and Nicole. Not gonna let that happen. One good thing about all this paperwork stuff is that we get to meet with our social worker again and Jeff and I get to show her Lily's nursery :). Last time she visited us, it was a bland extra bedroom/storage room. Now it's a baby girl haven. Love it.

Treinta

Referrals are out for this month!! They covered 5 days of LIDs which gives us 30 left before they reach our magical date - June 14, 2006. Right now they have referred through May 15, 2006 and are averaging about 3-8 days of LIDs per referral month. I THINK we are in line for a referral in January but what I'm telling people is "any time between December and March for referral and between February and April for travel to China". Hopefully that will cover all bases but, if we have learned anything over the past several years in this process, it is that NOTHING is predictable.

I am excited about 5 days being referred this month but in September we are only expecting 2 days to be covered. I am saying this to remind myself not to be disappointed when it happens and just as fare warning that there won't be much progress until maybe October.

For now, we will celebrate these 5 days gone forever. Lots of people are crying tears of joy as they see their baby's faces for the first time. And I can't help but to continue my daydreaming of the day that it will be Jeff and I sharing tears over our little one. It will be soon. She is waiting. We are ready.

House in Chaos

We have really been organizationally challenged over these past few weeks. We had carpet installed the first week of August and it has left us with stuff EVERYWHERE. I am definitely not the most organized person in the world but this is crazy. I think the problem is that we are trying not to bring anything back in to the house which we don't need. So this has made for about 3 visits by the big truck that picks up donations around here...and we still have enough crap for at least one or two more visits.

From 2010-08-08 carpet

The good news in this is that Lily's room is coming together a little bit. The rocking chair was delivered and I am ready to put some more furniture together just as soon as Jeff takes apart the bed that is plop in the middle of the floor in there. I told some friends that I was working on the nursery and one asked me how long we had left. I said about 6 months-ish and they made a comment about how I am preparing the nursery so early. Let me just say that after 5 years of waiting, preparing 6 months ahead is like trying to do all the work for a new baby in the last trimester. Not to mention that I want it to be PERFECT.

From 2010-08-08 carpet

And there is still a long way to go before we can claim perfection. Jeff had to cut the bottoms off all the doors last week since this carpet is about 1/2 inch taller than the previous threadbare stuff.

From 2010-08-08 carpet

Even the guest bedroom is in chaos. I guess we better clear it out before anyone comes to visit.

At least we now have a good foundation. $6000 worth of carpet. It feels squishy under my feet. Let the clean sweep begin.

Weekend Trip to Nashville

A couple weekends ago, Jeff and I got in our happy little Honda and flew the coop for Nashville. We are actually only about 3 hours from there so it made for a good little overnighter. Our reason for going was to see my FAVE band, the Indigo Girls, who were playing at the botanical gardens there. Jeff isn't a huge fan but it sucked it up just to humor me. It turned out to be a great trip.


We got to the park about 2 1/2 hrs before the show to guarantee ourselves a good seat on the lawn. We spread out our trusty blankie, got out the sandwiches we had picked up and made ourselves a picnic. It was hotter than crap but it was so pretty that we didn't let that ruin our time.





I thought for a minute that Jeff might actually close his eyes and take a nap while we waited.


He was a super sport, even when he made jokes about the people's dance moves. Of course we daydreamed about being able to take Lily to the park for times like this and we are just sure that she would have loved it too as there were lots of kids running around in the grass. Soon...

You can see we had a great view of the crooners... If you click on the picture below, it will take you to a little video of their most popular song (and Jeff's favorite), Galileo. Try not to dance out of your seat. :)

Un-rant

I had a big rant of a blog post written out and then I chickened out just as my finger was on the "post" button. I am trying really hard to be positive these days. As I approach motherhood, I want to let go of a lot of the bitterness that has seized me in the past few years. This adoption wait on top of the infertility/miscarriage period has been so incredibly difficult and has shown me so much about myself and those around me. I know who I can talk to about the adoption, who will listen to me cry about it when I'm sad, who will be ecstatic with me when I talk about the fact that we are mere months from parenthood and who I just need to not talk to about it and just smile as they change the subject when I bring it up. It's ok. I'm ok with it now.

I know that I will be a mom soon and I will be able to participate in those conversations about temper tantrums and potty training...I won't just be the one in the group who sits on the sidelines speculating. I am anxious for that and I know who will meet me and Lily for playdates with their kids and who I will call for advice when I hit a wall. I want to focus on that and how amazingly fortunate I am to have some spectacular friends who share joy and sorrow with me and not on the topic of my unpublished rant post.

Geesh, it feels kinda good to stifle some of that negativity. Maybe I'm almost a grown-up.

UPDATE: It appears that I didn't actually not post that negative post. I just checked Google Reader and it was there. Hmmm...maybe I published then un-published. It's a mystery.

Life is like a box of cupcakes

Life is a little routine these days. Not that we don't have exciting adventures, like seeing Jason's awesome house for the first time and baby shopping on a continuous basis. We are just a little in the work-home-work again routine. Of course, in the midst of the summer we have to continue the summer staples in our house which are the new season of Big Brother, Design Star and the new guilty pleasure...DC Cupcakes. Take a look...

I feel like I could eat a million of them. Aren't they gorgeous?!? But really the show is not about the cupcakes (all 70+ flavors), it's about the owners of the shop and their adventures. I guess that's the new trend in TV these days...shows about cakes, cake decorating, cupcakes, cake baking and decorating challenges. I tell you what - I love 'em. Maybe it's my longing to eat every last one or maybe it's the little creative part of my brain that wants to build a fire-breathing dinosaur from rice treats and cover it with fondant. Who knows?!?

The Great Debate

Just in case you think I have a one track mind on all things baby, I am here to prove otherwise. I also do ponder such topics as world peace, the environment, peace in the Middle East, politics, religion and the Great Debate....

Team Edward or Team Jacob??

As far as I'm concerned there's no competition. Team Jacob all the way. Who cares that he is a 12 year old with an aversion to shirts?!? Rawr.

Shopping Frenzy

It is so hard for me to think about anything but Lily this week. After more than 4 years of waiting, it actually seems like we are CLOSE to seeing her face. That thought makes me feel all kinds of butterflies in my belly and makes me want to push the fast-forward button on life - just a little bit. I am trying to target this mommy-waiting energy in to something productive. Unfortunately it is also turning out to be expensive. I have made a couple purchases for the house and Lily's room and have a couple more planned for as soon as the carpet is installed (2 weeks from now).

Fortunately I haven't gone flat broke yet but I can feel it getting closer. I'm not feeling guilty though. After all this waiting, I am giving myself a license to splurge a little as long as it is in the order of making this house a home for our sweet one.

Here is the chair that Jeff and I will rock our precious bundle in, read her books about bears that talk and undoubtedly where we will fall asleep ourselves with our little one wrapped securely in our arms.
And of course an ottoman for our tootsies.

And, with less excitement but just as much necessity, I ordered a crib mattress. I read a million reviews and settled on this Sealy.

Nothing less than the best for our Lily's head to rest on.

We still need a bookshelf and some odds and ends for the nursery. I am hoping to get one of those cute ones with the cubbies where you can put pretty baskets for toys and such.

This is fun. Too much fun. :)