Friday??

The theme of my day today has been REFRESH, REFRESH. I have been following what appears to be our referral package on the DHL tracking site since yesterday morning. We are in a strange situation because there have really been no solid rumors on the normal adoption forums/blogs yet we are very confident that this package contains our Lily's referral. We have already made arrangements with Michelle, our China Rep and matchmaker extraordinaire, to meet tomorrow in the event that she receives the package. If it doesn't arrive tomorrow then it will be Monday and I will be INSANE over the weekend. I am already a little insane to begin with so this is gonna drive me over the edge. Could this really be it?!?! Could over 5 years of waiting and longing be coming to an end?!? Could we be holding a picture of our little girl in less than 24 hours?!?! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness....time to go REFRESH again.

Any Day Now

I got a call this morning from our sweet adoption agency rep with some info that tells me that we should have our Lily's referral ANY DAY NOW. I would say, realistically as long as this info is accurate (and I have to believe it is completely), we will see our Lily between tomorrow (not as likely) and next Tuesday-ish. If it's tomorrow or Thursday, I am working and will have to start puking so that I can leave without abandoning my patient assignment. If I know in advance, I will call in and I have already told my boss and co-workers that if I call in then it is LILY DAY. I have been at this hospital almost a year and haven't called in at all yet so this would be big for me. If it is Friday, it will be late in the day. I'm off but I absolutely want our agency rep to be the one to give us our Lily's info and she is tied up until late in the day. No deliveries happen over the weekend so if it's not this week, it will probably be Monday or Tuesday. I have to remind myself to breathe. My stomach is doing Olympic-worthy gymnastics. After 5 years, you would think I would be the one of the most patient people in the world but not-so-much. I am so stinkin' excited that I am about to become a mommy...my dream of a lifetime is about to come true. I can almost not believe it and I feel a little guilty that I half expect something not so great to happen. After this tumultuous 5+ years, I guess that is a human feeling. For now, I choose the cautious excitement. I have looked at this verse a lot over the past few weeks. It was part of our wedding vows, as it is for many, and it has given me some comfort during this last endless month. While I am not patient, my love for my baby girl is. Jeff and I both already love her more than we ever thought possible of a child who we have never seen or touched. She is our child, our dream and our future and she will be in our arms soon...though she has been in our hearts forever.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Lily's Family Part 1: Jeff's Side

Our precious Lily will be blessed with lots of amazing family. I know some of them are chomping at the bit and just as excited as we are to see our lil one's face very soon. I thought now would be a good time to make some introductions and share Lily's namesake with everyone. We just didn't come up with the name Lily Faith...it was inspired.

Unfortunately, Jeff's family was never really big on pictures. In fact, this photo...
...is the only one I have ever seen of all of them together. It just so happens to be from butterfly collar, bell bottom and shaft coat days (haha). And they are (from left to right starting at the top): Jef'f's oldest brother Melvin, brother Edsel, his only sister Barbara, brother Gary and Jeff (he thinks he was in his late teens or young 20's here). Bottom row is Jeff's dad, J.T. (Jeff Sr.) and his mom, Lillian. Unfortunately for all of us, including Lily, Jeff's dad passed away the year we were married, 2001. He was an amazing man and I am so glad I had the chance to know him before his passing. I can share all of Jeff's stories about his dad but, for now, we will stick with the intros. His mother, originally Lillian Allen, was also amazing. Both of his parents accepted me unconditionally and immediately. The genuine love they had for their baby boy and their wish for his happiness was breathtaking. I became very close to Jeff's mom and we shared so many special moments over the years of our courtship and early years of our marriage. We also experienced the challenges of many losses together. I loved her dearly and always felt so much love from her as well. She knew that Jeff and I were aching for a family and shared our happiness when we were pregnant many years ago. When we lost the pregnancy, she held my hand and comforted me, no words needed from one woman who had experienced her own losses to another woman dying to just be a mom. She knew of our plans to become parents through adoption well before her passing several years ago. She was looking forward to becoming a grandmother again and seeing her son fulfill a dream of his own. Sadly, our Lily will never know the wonderful woman who gives her her name. We do, however, look forward to the day when we can share with her all the wonderful qualities of her grandmother, tell Lily stories of Jeff's upbringing, the experiences and people that shaped her daddy and when we can introduce her to her aunts and uncles who, no doubt, will love her just as we will.

Care Package Project: Photo Album

Fortunately for me, I am working a lot this week so my mind is staying somewhat busy. Today, however, I am off work so I have some time to revert to my Lily obsessing. This afternoon I will be meeting Karen, the female half of the couple who is logged in with us through our agency and who will be sharing this life-changing journey with us, for frozen yogurt. This morning I am thinking about what I can do to be productive as we finish out this wait for Lily's picture. Hopefully we are in the last few days of our wait....hopefully.



A few days ago, I ordered two of these...

It's a soft sided, plastic photo album that we will be putting in the care package that we will send to Lily once we know who and where she is. The little bullseye on the front is a pocket for a picture and there are pockets inside for 6 4x6 photos as well. I will put Lily's referral picture on the front but I'm trying to figure out what pictures should go on the inside. People send this so that the babies can get a little visually familiar with the faces, environments, etc. that will soon

rock their worlds. I ordered 2 of them because some times what goes in the care package is not returned to the family with the child and I want to have a duplicate for Lily to have at home. I know I am going to put pictures of myself and Jeff and Lily's room and probably pictures of a few extended family. Just narrowing it down to 6 is a tough job. I want close ups of faces with not much background stuff happening too.

This is one of the projects I know I can work on now. I can also work on buying gifts for nannies and guides. We have to have 8-10 gifts (I think) with 1 or 2 for a male mixed in. Some suggestions I've seen for these are like bath and body works items, things from the US or local to our area (what unique thing is local to Alabama??). As far as the care package, there are a few more things that will go to Lily. Jeff and I will start sleeping with a blankie I crocheted soon so that it can "smell like us". I probably need to make a duplicate of that as well just in case. I will also be sending a couple of disposable cameras with a note asking the nannies/foster parents to take pictures of Lily in her environment in China so that she can have them when she gets older. Maybe a few little clothing items, some snacks for the nannies...not sure what else. It would be nice if I could be even slightly productive during this time just to keep myself sane. People say that the wait between referral and travel is even more difficult but, really, we can't even get to that point until we have Lily's referral so let's go already.

Baby gates, oulet covers and corner cushions oh my

Today's Lily-waiting-when-will-we-hear-something obsession distraction is baby-proofing. This is a topic that we haven't put a whole lot of thought in to and we probably won't start purchasing safety gear until we get our referral but it is, nevertheless, a very important topic. Since Lily will be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years-ish, we have no idea what stage of development she will be at so we will determine how fanatic we go once we meet her and see how interested she is in her environment. Honestly, though, our house is a death trap for toddlers. We have electronics, stairs, lots of electrical outets and power strips, tables with sharp corners, glass things on shelves. Geesh...it's a wonder Jeff and I haven't hurt ourselves. I know we will need at least 2 gates for our 2 sets of stairs and at least eleventy ba-jillion outlet covers. Then I'll duct tape pillows over the corners of our tables and wrap Lily in a couple rolls of Charmin. That should do it, right?!? Really...I'm working on the whole over-protective thing...that will take some time.

But, seriously, take a look at this...

Can you picture it smack in the middle of my living room? It's a kid corral. That would take care of the need for any of the other safety paraphernalia, right? Ha ha. I am seriously just kidding. Or am I??

This week or next week?

There are starting to be more rumors about matching this morning. One person stated that her agency said matches were starting last week and the Spanish rumor site is speculating that we might hear something this week. Of course we also have the tidbit about the 14th (OUR DAY) being included and referrals in about 2 weeks (from end of last week). Of course nothing is official until we see Lily's face. But I am hopeful that we will know SOMETHING this week (less likely) or next week...possibly even the first of the following (first few days of April).

I am pretty much batty right now. I am a worrier, a tad bit controlling, bossy, inquisitive...all qualities that are making the last bit of this wait pretty tough for me. If I busy myself with things related to Lily it seems to make it worse. I'm actually working some extra hours this week and it's probably a good thing that I keep my mind and body busy.

I feel like we will be in. I really do. I feel like we have already been matched with Lily. But right now all I can do is close my eyes at night and pray in thanks for the blessings we've already received, for some sort of peace for my worried soul and for the safety of my baby girl wherever she may be and whenever she may be in our arms. I don't know what else to do.

The Longest Month Ever

We are currently living the longest month in the history of forever. Really it seems like it. If we don't receive our referral this month, everyone will be visiting me in the loony bin because I can absolutely not survive another month like this one. So...I am trying to think of things to occupy my mind to pass the time a little. It would be great if these side-track items could be productive too. Today's thought is our challenge of packing and carrying luggage that will fit the in-country China requirement of a 44 lb bag + carry-on per person. If you know me, then you know I can easily carry 44 lbs of shoes for a 3 day weekend. Packing 44 lbs for 2 weeks in another country AND having to include items for a baby....OMG....I'm in trouble. So far Jeff and I have gotten 2 of these...
29" rolling duffel. They have 2 compartments so we can pack more fragile stuff down below. I am hoping that we can use these and pack half my stuff and half Jeff's stuff in each (just in case one is lost) and do the same with Lily's things. I know we are going to have to buy some things in China so I am trying to prioritize necessities. We are going to have to find a way to do laundry too. Is it bad that I am actually thinking of wearing yoga pants every single day that we are in China?!? Really...they are light for packing, you can wear them with short or long sleeves, sneakers or flip flops, layer with a sweater, even dress them up a little. Hmmm.

I am still looking for a backpack that can act as a carry-on, laptop holder and diaper bag for while we are in China. I have eyed one on the LL Be@n site but I am waiting for referral before I buy. So we will have 2 rolling duffels, 2 backpacks for carry-ons...that's it. Geesh.

Fortunately, it looks like we will be travelling during warmer months so we won't need as many sweaters and things but we are still going to have a huge challenge ahead of us.

I'm up for it though...anything to get our wee one in our arms ASAP. Maybe tomorrow I will think of another topic to occupy my brain. Or maybe not.

One blessing after another

Working in a Catholic hospital affords me lots of unique opportunities. I may not be a hard core religious person but I do consider myself spiritual and I try to take from my surroundings what I am needing at any given time for my own mental health and sanity. I do believe in God. I accept that not all people do...that's fine of course. But for me, my own spiritual journey is very personal and every day I explore it in a different way.

Anyway...every day in my workplace, we have a moments of prayer, church bells, nuns walking in the halls, a priest who makes patient rounds and, on my unit, we have a different bible verse posted in our hall. I love it. It gives me an opportunity to explore my own beliefs and see people who are in need of spirituality due to sickness, health, stress and happiness.

So Thursday when Jeff called me with the good news about his test results, I was floating. My co-workers had celebrated with me and I was thinking about how we could now focus on Lily and both be healthy for her when she joins us. I passed our bible verse board and this is what I saw....
This was a sign to me. I take from it what I need. We have had one blessing and there is another right around the corner. It's happening.

One bit of great news down, one more to go

As if you couldn't guess, that "OTHER" thing I was referring to was a little (well...to me it was a big) health scare for Jeff. We got some test results today and everything is a-ok. Pheeeeww. Talk about relief. Jeff called me on my work phone and I just about screamed it to my co-workers. I am so fortunate that I work with some great people who helped me partake in a little spontaneous "happy dance" mid-morning. This situation has really been a reminder for us to appreciate our health, each other and every single day that we are on this planet. Jeff and I are far from perfect but I can honestly say that I don't want to picture any day of my life without him. He's kinda grown on me. ;)

So now, with this great news upon us today, I am hoping and believing that we are on a roll and are due for some more life shattering great experiences in the next couple of weeks. When I told Jeff last night that there is a rumor that the CCAA is preparing to match, he looked at me with his eyes wide and said, "That means that they could be matching us with our baby RIGHT NOW." He is so right.

Thanks so much to everyone who was thinking about us and praying for us these past few weeks. I don't know what I would have done without the reality checks and without everyone who let me just have my own sobfest. Special thanks to my amazing husband who says he knew all along that it would be ok. He's so strong...more so than most people know. I'm so lucky.

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

I think Jeff and I are pretty good at waiting. After all, we have been waiting for Lily FOREVER. But I'm really losing my patience. I hate this. We are waiting for a few things right now and I'm just frustrated. I want good news. I want good news this week (on that OTHER thing that I was talking about earlier) and I want to see Lily's face with THIS NEXT batch of referrals. I am going to be like Veruca Salt and whine like a spoiled brat...I WANT IT NOOOOW.

A rumor came out late yesterday saying that the CCAA (agency in China that matches babies with adoptive parents) is preparing to match. This message usually precedes referrals by about 2 weeks. However, last month the message came out and referrals arrived the next day. We aren't counting on that ... thinking that the "precedes by 2 weeks" part may be more accurate this time.

Please, please, please let us be in. I promise I will be a good girl. I promise after we get good news this week and we are in this next batch, I won't ask for anything else for eleventy years. Please.

Happy 57th Month-A-Versary!

Today marks 57 months since our dossier was logged in in China. 57 months is a freaking long time.
My hopes are this is the last month-a-versary before we see Lily's face. It's such a good possibility while I am still preparing myself that we may have to wait another batch of referrals. In my mind I am picturing a Chinese man sitting at a desk, glancing between our passport pictures that we had to send in our dossier and his stack of babies to match this month. Who knows if he is trying to match us to one that "looks like us", that suits our facial expressions, just the first one on his stack....who knows. I know, however, that he will match us with the child that we are destined to call ours.

Please let that be this month. Please.

And speaking of my original baby...

He rocks the house. We are loving the Mich@el J@ckson Wii Game. It's an awesome workout. We may have just missed our calling as hip-hop back-up dancers.

My Original Baby

Although Lily will be my baby girl, this one is my original baby...
And I feel a real need to take care of him right now. He has a big day tomorrow and I appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers that are coming our way.

Not so fast....

Well crud. There is some speculation that we may actually not be included in this next batch of referrals from China. I really, really hope this is not the case but I am guarding my heart just in case. Of course I have told everyone that we are next and I will feel like a booger if I have to go back and tell them, "Sike...no baby this month." I think they will start to wonder if I've just made up this whole "baby from China" business.

One way or the other, the next batch of referrals should be here in a couple of weeks and, only then, we will really know if we are in. Until then, we can only pray for patience and security of our hearts in the belief that Lily is safe and healthy until we can get to her.

In truth, I've had enough. :(

Worry

I worry too much. I know I do. I always have and there is not much I can do about it. I try to exercise, distract myself, do the little techniques I've read about in books and magazines but, right now, these are all futile. While Jeff and I are totally focused on Lily these days, we were thrown for a little loop last week and now I have something else to worry about. This isn't related to the adoption at all but, still, it is a cause to worry. And it's got me on a downward spiral.

Anyway...for this moment I will focus on my reasons to worry about our adoption. First, we had a big deal happen when we first sent our paperwork to China. FedEx didn't scan it's arrival in China and we couldn't confirm that it got there. They told us it was lost. We are talking several pounds of paper that had travelled all over the US for special seals, authentication, letters from a million people....things that could not be replicated easily. Anyway...after about a week of ulcers, our agency told us that it was actually received and gave us our log-in-date...6/14/06. So....what if it never really got there? What if China doesn't really know that we've been waiting for our precious little one for all these years? AND then what if our log in date is not really correct? We mailed our package on 6/9/06 and were logged in just 5 days later. That was not too far off from what was happening at that time but still....what if it's wrong?!? AND what if our file has gotten lost while it has sat on the shelves in China for the past 5 years? Paperwork gets lost...what is protecting our file from disappearing in to the hole of nothingness?!? What if the person who is responsible for matching us with Lily takes one look at our pictures and hates us? What if he/she thinks we aren't worthy of being parents? What happens then?

Oh my goodness....I am a wreck. All of these thoughts really are in my brain but I try not to speak them or else everyone around me will be googling "Baker Act". I know none of these worries are in my control right now and I just have to let it go. As far as Lily, we have really done all we can do to make sure things run smoothly at this point. Everything in our power has been done. I know this. Some times that calms me but other times....

For now, Jeff and I are going to try our best to survive the next week intact. Please think about us, especially Jeff, on Monday, March 14th, as that will be a stressful and important day for the "other" thing that is a source of worry. After that, we will get back to Lily. I promise, if all goes well, then I will try my absolute best to focus on the excitement of what we are about to experience and I will make every effort to rid myself of the irrational worries.

Welcome to the brain of Neurotic Nicole. :)

Nachas

I complain about my job...maybe a lot. But I love being a nurse....really I do. I have opportunities to meet the most interesting people - some good and some bad. Undoubtedly, I end up having a lot of conversations with people about their families, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids. Some times they ask me if I'm married...I always say "Yes, and I am so lucky that I have a great husband." and some times they ask me if I have kids and my standard answer has been, "Not yet." And I change the subject.

For the past few days, since I now know that we are NEXT, I have changed my standard response. Yesterday, I met a man who I had this conversation with and he told me about his kids, his 5 grandkids, his 15 great-grands and he asked me the standard..."Do you have a family?" I thought for a minute before I responded and started, "Yes I have a husband and we've been married almost 10 years....and.....we are adopting a baby in the next few months." Wow. I said it. And it opened up quite a conversation.

He asked me a TON of questions. He was really pretty interested and I was so happy to share the basics. Remember this is an 82 year old man that I am holding this conversation with...one with a lifetime of wisdom gathering. He said so many things that I will hold in my head. He, of course, told me that I am about to embark on the journey of a lifetime....that I am about to re-live my life all over again through parenthood as I watch my child grow....that there is nothing like what I am about to experience....to listen to the advice people give me but to trust my gut first. Then he just looked at me and said "Nachas"....and asked me if I knew what that meant. He said, in his life and religion he has learned to speak Yiddish fluently and this is a word that means "great joy". I treasure experiences like this, when unique and amazing people come in to my life even for brief moments and leave me with nuggets of their wisdom and perspective. I know some time, maybe years from now, when I am giggling with my little girl (or boy), I will know the true meaning of nachas. I will think of that little 82 year old man and the 30 minutes of his life that he spent with me.