Going Home

Going home means different things to everyone. To the college student, it is crashing in their old room, being taken care of, having their laundry done by mom and chillin'. To a new parent it is bringing their newborn baby through the doors of their house, introducing him or her to their new life. To a person deployed with the military, it is running into the arms of their loved ones and resting their head on their own pillow at night.

Tomorrow I will go home after having been in Orlando for my grandmother's memorial. Life won't be quite the same having lost a loved one. When I walk in my door, it will be different. Friday evening, my grandmother came home in the arms of her husband, my sad but strong grandfather. We celebrated her life, listened to her loved ones recall sweet, funny and extremely special times that she gave to us, laughed, cried and accepted. Once it was over, my grandfather took her in his arms and carried her out of the chapel and home for good. But really she went home a week ago tonight. Home is different to each of us. To some, it is crossing the threshold and being in the familiar surroundings in which they have shared their lives. For others, it is finding their eternal home in heaven. Fortunately, now, Grandma has done both and is really, really home.

Who do women play softball?

Jeff is sitting here watching the World Series of women's college softball and I am wondering why it is that women don't play baseball?? Why do they only play softball? And why do men not play softball?? I asked Jeff and he said that it must have something to do with hand-eye coordination. He can bite me for that one.

10 weeks of H-E-double hockey sticks

I started the second semester of nursing school on Tuesday and WHOA! am I a stressball already. This is supposed to be the most difficult semester of the five and I have it during the summer which means 10 weeks to complete 16 weeks worth of material and tests. It is going to suck.

On a more positive note (cause that is one of my goals - to be more positive), it is interesting material. I have med-surg/Adult Nursing and Pediatrics this semester. I will be studying a lot more about specific disease processes and working with kids...has to be fun, right? I'll let you know.

This rough week will be capped off with Grandma's memorial on Friday night. I didn't think I was going to be able to go since that is the day we are supposed to be learning how to start IVs but, thanks to an understanding professor and my Dad picking me up at the airport, I am gonna make it. I hope we can all come together and celebrate her wonderful life.

Grandma

I have lived so much of my life spared of loss. Almost 9 years ago, my Grandma B. passed away. It hurt. I miss her every day and hear her laughter in my dreams. Shortly afterwards, my Grandpa B. passed. I still think of him telling me during a random kid tempter tantrum, "You look prettier when you are smiling than when you are crying." I think of that almost every time I feel tears fall down my cheeks. Jeff's mother passed away 2 years ago. She taught me so much and I never thought I could love someone outside of my immediate family so much. I blogged about her and Jeff here ---> http://nicolesdoodlings.blogspot.com/2007/05/loss-grief-and-love.html .

I have been lucky...very, very lucky. The past 3 weeks have been some of the most difficult, affirming and life altering for me. My grandmother has been ill for quite some time. She was admitted to the hospital on Christmas Eve with pneumonia and stayed there until Wednesday, May 7th. She wanted so badly to be home and she got her wish that day. An ambulance brought her home where she was cared for by some amazing nurses and others who she had spent her whole life caring for, her family. I drove down to Orlando that day and stayed there (although I tried to go home and was miraculously called back) for almost 2 weeks. I witnessed so much during that time...the power of will, the strength of the spirit, the lastingness of humor and joy and the truly awe inspiring women who gave me life.

I had the opportunity to celebrate life with my grandmother and family and the opportunity to see my mom, vulnerable yet so strong as she sacrificed everything to nurture and love her own mother. I have never in my life seen so much strength and true, unselfish love as I have witnessed in my mother in these past weeks. I knew she was amazing but I now know even more so.

My grandmother, in the past few weeks, has given me belly laughs, crocodile tears, a warm and full heart and a new idea of what the power of love can truly accomplish. Jeff and I left Friday night to spend Memorial Day weekend with her and our family and we arrived around 1pm on Saturday. I never expected what was awaiting. A day of crying, hand-holding, knowing that IT was close. Raw emotion, desperation and an inexplicable aching. So not ready for her to go but not prepared for her to stay if it meant even a moment more of pain. Saturday night at 10:37 pm, I stood around my grandmother with my grandfather, Mom and Dad, Uncle David, Aunt Shelly, Aunt Susie, my cousin Dave and Jeff and watched as my precious grandmother took her very last breath. For a moment I thought I had also taken my last breath. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't move. All I could do was hurt deeply and passionately. When I heard my sobs, I knew it was real. She was gone.

I thank God for her...for her wonderful life and for her graceful and affirming passing. I can't write what I am feeling now because there really are no words. I am sad but at peace, empty but at the same time so full, grieving yet so very, very grateful. I have nothing now except a lifetime of memories and the knowledge that she will really always be with me. So now I pray for my own strength...to put aside my selfishness and help those that I love; for my grandfather to know peace and for his hurt to be eased, for him to lean on his children and all who love him for strength; for my Mom to know that she is a fantastic woman who gave her mother joy in the most trying times and did as she has done for me all these years, made every moment of every day so much more precious just by being there; for healing and smiles as we all remember and treasure what my grandmother has given us; and for my grandmother, an eternity of dancing among the clouds in Heaven, never far from us, knowing that she will always, always be with us.

Tragedy for the adoption community

Steven Curtis Chapman has inspired lots and lots of couples to pursue adoption from China. He is a Christian music artist and adoptive father to 3 girls from China and 3 biological children. His family experienced horrible tragedy yesterday when his oldest son was backing out of the family's driveway and hit his little sister, killing her. Maria was 5 years old. I can't even imagine what this family is experiencing...they can't be angry with their son...it was an accident. But at the same time they are reeling from the loss of their little girl who was born in their hearts, that they wished for and who blessed their lives. I am so sad for this family. Today's tears are for them.

Incommunicado

There has been LOTS going on lately. I am a little overwhelmed with life lately and it has had a pretty bad side effect...I have not talked to ANYONE. I have voicemails piling up that I refuse to listen to, e-mails and text messages that I haven't answered and other people I know I need to check in with but haven't. I know this isn't a very flattering quality but I can be a real slacker when it comes to communicating during times of stress.

The actual real stress will come Tuesday when school starts back up. I will be going non-stop from then until at least August 4th. Maybe this period of incommunicado is just a trial run for the rest of the summer. I still feel like a slacker though. If I can make it through the next few months without losing all my friends then life will be good.

Climbing Stone Mountain: Check!

When I was new to college, I was required to take a freshman orientation class that helps you to get to know your new city, acclimate to college life, etc. and one of our activities was a trip to Stone Mountain where my group would hike to the top. Yeah, right! I made it about half way up and then had to let my group continue without me...it was a horrible feeling and one that hasn't left me. So Sunday morning since I was in Atlanta, Jason and I set out to defeat that demon. We made it to the top with no real problem, just some aching bodies and me panting half way. It was great...just great.

Stone Mountain

i love you grandma

If I beg you to stay
Will you hold my hand
Give me just one more day?

Of your nurturing touch
Your voice filled with love
That I long for so much?

Is it wrong for me
To want you here
Endlessly?

To refuse this goodbye
Turn around
And wonder why?

Why do you have to go?
I'm not ready
This is all I know.

But I see through your tears
Your beautiful face
Surrendering to fears.

And now I see
This is the way
It was meant to be.

Your time of peace is near
When there's no pain
Just joy, no fear.

So now I am here to stay
Holding your hand
For just one more day.

Tomorrow you will be my star
Twinkling at night
But never too far.

You will stay here in my heart
Forever, always
Never apart.

-NM

The earthquake

While I am immersed up in what is happening in my world right now, I can absolutely not ignore what is happening in China. The overwhelming tragedy of the earthquake and aftershocks have left me speechless. So many people are worrying at this minute about missing and lost family members and their lives have been immeasurably altered. I can not even wrap myself around this.

Please pray for all the suffering in China, all the men, women and children who will never know their "normalcy" again and for the babies in orphanages who have been moved to safe locations, whose orphanages and foster homes have been destroyed and those who haven't reported yet if they are safe and alive. Our baby girl may be there now. Pray for her. She may not be born yet. Pray for her birth family who, undoubtedly, have been touched in some way by this tragedy.

When love hurts

Do you know when you see someone that you love so much sad or upset or hurting and you instantly feel a pain, a literal physical pain, inside of your chest? It's a tightness, a collapsing feeling that you can't escape from and it lingers even when you are not looking in the eyes of your loved one and when you are beyond a breath's distance from them. You scramble to do all you can...you hug them, wipe their tears, kiss their hand, pray to God that you can feel it instead of them... but it's never enough, you just can't take their pain away.

This is one time when loving someone hurts. I love my grandmother, my mother, all of my family so much that it hurts right now. What my family is experiencing is an inevitable formality of life wrapped in a bundle of painful moments. I can't do anything to change what is happening and it is making that pain climb from my chest to my throat. This love that I feel hurts so badly but I wouldn't want to live without it. It is precious and irreplaceable. I will treasure these painful and beautiful moments for as long as I am here on this earth. It hurts almost more than I can bear but it reminds me that I am alive.

1 semester down, 4 to go

I wrapped up my first semester of nursing school on April 28th. Talk about a cooshy life...I have 3 weeks until the next semester starts and I have worked out, sat in the sun and done a bunch o' nothing for the past few days.

I am happy to have made it out of the first semester with a pretty decent record. I am posting my grades, facing the music. I got a B...shoot me. In my defense, this grade was determined mid-semester while I was still working overnights and school wasn't my priority...staying alive for 4 days without sleep was. The second half of the semester was pass/fail and, of course, I passed with flying colors and exempted the final. So...I have a tarnished record. This is my first B since I have been "back to school". It irks me but I will take it.


I start the Summer semester on May 27th and it will be 10 weeks of h-e-double hockeysticks. It is the roughest of the five semesters and I have it squished into half the time so it will be doubly rough. I will excuse myself now for all the phone calls I don't return, special days I will forget and feelings I might hurt. I will make up for it...I promise.

Dirty Job

I cleaned out my closet last week. Surprisingly I still had clothes in sizes 8 and 16...neither of which I have been in quite a while. Those are put away for now but look at the disaster that became of my room in the process.


Scary, huh?