Five Years

Five years and one day ago today Jeff and I had broken hearts. We had gotten the news that, even with thousands of dollars worth of fertility treatments and continuing the roller coaster journey we had been on for almost 4 years, our chances of conceiving, having a healthy pregnancy and bringing home a baby were only 15-20%. We sat on this very same couch that I am on right now as I blog and broke beneath our heavy hearts. I have written several times about the experience of infertility and pregnancy loss but I can never, ever really convey how it feels. It is the deepest despair, grief and utter loss of hope that I have ever felt. I remember so well getting the phone calls from the doctor's office with bad lab results or even worse and the emptiness that repeatedly filled me. I remember hoping every month for good results from all the pills, injections, procedures, tests and feeling so filled with optimism just to fall deeply off the cliff with the arrival of bad news. Over and over and over. Even thinking about it this far out still makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. To say that I am healed from that devastation would be a lie. The scars are permanent and have shaped me. However, on that day, five years and one day ago today, Jeff and I decided to end that cycle of hurt and try to move forward.

We are so close to seeing Lily's face right now that I almost can't believe that it was five years ago today, October 12th, that Jeff and I decided to submit our application to our adoption agency. We chose China. We chose a baby girl. We chose to be a family. And this journey chose us.

Five years is a long time. Jeff and I have been through A LOT in that time. We have had great times and really bad times. Lots of couples don't survive infertility and I think it says a lot that we are now stronger than we have ever been. When I think about the future and becoming a mother, part of my joy comes from knowing that this amazing man will be Lily's father. These five years have given us that appreciation and strength that maybe we didn't have before. They have given us a measure of healing, a change in perspective and a growth in who we are as individuals and as a couple. Mostly, these five years are about to give us a child. One we have dreamed of and who has grown in our hearts for a very, very long time.

Jeff - Happy five year anniversary of the most amazing decision we have ever made as a couple. The one that will change us again very soon. I love you.

:)