Fragile Dreams

Once again, we are in the process of updating our home study and immigration paperwork for Lily's adoption. This is the 4th time we have completed this paperwork (which expires every 18 months). Every time we do this, it is stressful. There is a full page of documents that we have to turn in. We have to go through re-screening by the state and US governments, get new notarized references from our family members and notarized letters from our jobs, visit our doctor for more health screenings and notarized letters about cholesterol medicine and it's relationship to the ability to parent and on and on. While I feel that this is all a little much, I completely can appreciate that the powers-that-be want to make sure a child will be safe and secure in our household. I completely understand that.

But today my ground was shaken a little bit. We got a call from the state requesting more information on one of our forms. The way the woman was talking, she made me believe that we might lose our approval if they didn't deem our additional info worthy. After I had my minor heart attack, I ran to Office Depot to fax what they were requesting and proceeded to glue the phone to my hand until she called me back. I was crazy texting Jeff and my heart rate must have stayed above 150 for a solid 2 hours. My mind was racing with thoughts of how I would go on if we lost our approval. I have spent 5 years dreaming of and preparing for Lily and, now that I can see the end of this journey approaching, how would I ever get over this loss. It would be like a horrible miscarriage all over again.

It may sound freakish but Lily is alive inside me. She lives in my mind every day. I actually feel my heart warm when Jeff and I talk about her. I know she has been born. I know my arms ache for her. The loss of her would ruin me. And our fate rests in the signatures of a mass of people who have no idea. To them, we are just a case number and two names that mean nothing. They don't know that our nursery is in it's final stages and ready for our sweet girl to lay her head. They don't know that Jeff and I talk about her future, saving for her college, the day that she will get married, taking her to Disney World.

In an instant, the dream of a family can be taken away from us. Fortunately, it won't be this time. I got the call that our paperwork will go out to us Monday since the mail had already run for today...no further action needed. I don't want to go through this emotional roller coaster but I'm afraid it is a part of life for the next few months as we get our paperwork renewed and wait for Lily's referral. I pray in earnest that this process goes smoother than I anticipate, that our referral comes sooner than I anticipate and that our fragile dream is not as fragile as I feel it is right now.