Un-rant

I had a big rant of a blog post written out and then I chickened out just as my finger was on the "post" button. I am trying really hard to be positive these days. As I approach motherhood, I want to let go of a lot of the bitterness that has seized me in the past few years. This adoption wait on top of the infertility/miscarriage period has been so incredibly difficult and has shown me so much about myself and those around me. I know who I can talk to about the adoption, who will listen to me cry about it when I'm sad, who will be ecstatic with me when I talk about the fact that we are mere months from parenthood and who I just need to not talk to about it and just smile as they change the subject when I bring it up. It's ok. I'm ok with it now.

I know that I will be a mom soon and I will be able to participate in those conversations about temper tantrums and potty training...I won't just be the one in the group who sits on the sidelines speculating. I am anxious for that and I know who will meet me and Lily for playdates with their kids and who I will call for advice when I hit a wall. I want to focus on that and how amazingly fortunate I am to have some spectacular friends who share joy and sorrow with me and not on the topic of my unpublished rant post.

Geesh, it feels kinda good to stifle some of that negativity. Maybe I'm almost a grown-up.

UPDATE: It appears that I didn't actually not post that negative post. I just checked Google Reader and it was there. Hmmm...maybe I published then un-published. It's a mystery.

Life is like a box of cupcakes

Life is a little routine these days. Not that we don't have exciting adventures, like seeing Jason's awesome house for the first time and baby shopping on a continuous basis. We are just a little in the work-home-work again routine. Of course, in the midst of the summer we have to continue the summer staples in our house which are the new season of Big Brother, Design Star and the new guilty pleasure...DC Cupcakes. Take a look...

I feel like I could eat a million of them. Aren't they gorgeous?!? But really the show is not about the cupcakes (all 70+ flavors), it's about the owners of the shop and their adventures. I guess that's the new trend in TV these days...shows about cakes, cake decorating, cupcakes, cake baking and decorating challenges. I tell you what - I love 'em. Maybe it's my longing to eat every last one or maybe it's the little creative part of my brain that wants to build a fire-breathing dinosaur from rice treats and cover it with fondant. Who knows?!?

The Great Debate

Just in case you think I have a one track mind on all things baby, I am here to prove otherwise. I also do ponder such topics as world peace, the environment, peace in the Middle East, politics, religion and the Great Debate....

Team Edward or Team Jacob??

As far as I'm concerned there's no competition. Team Jacob all the way. Who cares that he is a 12 year old with an aversion to shirts?!? Rawr.

Shopping Frenzy

It is so hard for me to think about anything but Lily this week. After more than 4 years of waiting, it actually seems like we are CLOSE to seeing her face. That thought makes me feel all kinds of butterflies in my belly and makes me want to push the fast-forward button on life - just a little bit. I am trying to target this mommy-waiting energy in to something productive. Unfortunately it is also turning out to be expensive. I have made a couple purchases for the house and Lily's room and have a couple more planned for as soon as the carpet is installed (2 weeks from now).

Fortunately I haven't gone flat broke yet but I can feel it getting closer. I'm not feeling guilty though. After all this waiting, I am giving myself a license to splurge a little as long as it is in the order of making this house a home for our sweet one.

Here is the chair that Jeff and I will rock our precious bundle in, read her books about bears that talk and undoubtedly where we will fall asleep ourselves with our little one wrapped securely in our arms.
And of course an ottoman for our tootsies.

And, with less excitement but just as much necessity, I ordered a crib mattress. I read a million reviews and settled on this Sealy.

Nothing less than the best for our Lily's head to rest on.

We still need a bookshelf and some odds and ends for the nursery. I am hoping to get one of those cute ones with the cubbies where you can put pretty baskets for toys and such.

This is fun. Too much fun. :)

Countdown begins anew

This month's referrals have come out and they cover 14 days worth of LID's...that's a bunch more than recent trends of 3-6 days per month. However, it doesn't really represent a speed up because the government agency in China that issues referrals was closed for a good number of those 14 days, therefore they didn't receive family files and could just skip those days to get to ones where peeps were logged in. That really sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, doesn't it?!?

Anyway...the big deal is that we can now knock off 14 whole days that were ahead of us. This leave us with only 35 days worth of LID's before our magical date of June 14, 2006. 35 days. Let me write it again. 35 DAYS!!! We could really, really see our baby's face in about 6 months. There is something so stinking sweet about that prospect. This means that we are in line to receive our referral in January-ish. Of course, I have to make the disclaimer that things change so quickly in this adventure so I am still protecting my fragile baby-dreaming heart.

For now, preparation continues for our sweet Lily to come home. Jeff and I are painting, de-cluttering, having new carpet installed in about 2 weeks, enjoying our time together and sharing our dreams of a soon-to-be family of three. Before November, we will be shuffling paperwork and appointments again trying to re-do our immigration paperwork and revise our home study for the 4th time. With all these projects, surely the next few months will fly by.

This seems so surreal right now. Years and years of dreaming might be coming down to these next few months, just half a year. Our Lily really should be born and waiting for us. The path that was paved for our destinies could be leading us together very soon.

Tale of the Popcorn Painting Adventure

There once was a man who happens to be my spouse. He loves power tools and gadgets that either make rough jobs simple or makes simple jobs rough. In this particular instance, it was the latter.

** Let me interject here that the person who invented popcorn ceilings should be dangled by his toes over shark infested waters. **

This weekend's task was to paint above mentioned ceilings which have become dull and a little spotty over the years. Of course previous experience has taught us that this job can not be done with a roller lest the popcorn comes falling down upon one's head...and worse than trying to paint popcorn is trying to repair it once painting has gone awry. So....Jeff pulled out the big guns and rented a paint sprayer from the local home improvement warehouse. Here it is:

Scary looking, isn't it?!?? But not quite as scary as the garbing that you have to do prior to pulling the trigger...

Or the plastic monster that has to throw up in your house before your ceilings can be whitened...

Nonetheless, my power tool-loving husband went at it. Attempting to conquer those popcorn ceilings with all his might.

I'm afraid the popcorn won...

:)

Family Reunion

Jeff and I had the pleasure of attending his family reunion this past weekend and got to see some of his peeps that we hadn't seen in a good while. It was nice and a good reminder of the great history of Jeff's family and the richness of his heritage. Some things that come to my mind when I think of spending time with my extended in-laws....fantastic, heart pounding singing, lots of hugging and talk about old times and people that have passed, barbecue and cream cakes, kids running around in the grass playing and catching lightning bugs.... I absolutely can't wait to introduce Lily to the family and watch them kiss her little cheeks. She will be so blessed.

Jeff and his brothers, minus one

Me and my honey bunches

Jeff and Uncle Babydoll (aka Uncle Samuel) - the last member of his mom's (Lillian's) generation - her baby brother

Reeling it in

My blogging is still sporadic. This I know. This past year has been a booger for me. So many changes in jobs, life, and mental state. I don't deal well with change (which should be evident by my blog) and it has made me feel a little out of control lately. I have lost the gumption of my diet and gained back a good amount of the weight I worked so hard to lose. I am still on orientation at work and not quite in the groove there yet. Jeff is still working out of control hours and I have lots of nights at home by myself to ponder life and existence. Sometimes I struggle with negativity and have been REALLY engaging in this struggle lately.

One of my instructors during orientation this time around said something that has stuck with me and that I am trying to remind myself of every day. He said that we are like pitchers, pouring out what's inside of us. If we are filled with nastiness and negativity then that's what we pour out. If we are filled with love, positivity and exuberance for life, then that is what flows. I am trying hard to work my way through this one and be more filled with joy and love for life than with negative thoughts and bummer-istic tendencies. But it's hard sometimes.

I am not going to make unrealistic aspirations for myself but, over the next few weeks, I would like to make a few goals.

1. Be a little more thankful for what I have. Consciously survey my blessings and pour out some joy.
2. Prioritize my health again. Exercise 2-3 times a week and cut back on this out of control eating. Go back to Weight Watchers weekly.
3. Spend some time with my family if at all possible. Brandee is so close but I haven't seen her in a while. And Jason has a new house that I haven't seen. I miss everyone.
4. Finish clearing out this house and get ready for the new carpet. If I de-clutter my house, maybe life will feel not-so-overwhelming.

That should be enough for now.

Visiting Grandpa

A couple weekends ago, Jeff and I threw ourselves in the car and met Grandpa and Susie for a day away in Gatlinburg. It was so nice to see them, even if only for a day. I hate that seeing family makes me miss them even more. I really do miss my family...really really do. I wish that distance didn't separate us from family gatherings, bbq's, card games, dropping by's to say hello. It seems like there is never enough time, enough money, a car that will take us there and back fast enough. One of my hopes for the future is that I can spend more time with those I love. That we will have more than an every two year visit over apple fritters. That I won't let so much more time pass. That Lily will know the love that is held by all of her family. Soon.

49 Days!

While this month's referrals from China were not an impressive batch, it has ticked off 5 more LID's from the ones ahead of us (see the update at the right for more stats and info). This leaves us with just 49 LID's before someone in China takes a picture of our baby and pairs it with pictures of Jeff and I. Of course we have no real concrete idea about how long this will take but I'm still hopeful that it will be just months from now...not year(s).

Since Jeff and I are hopefully winding down on our wait, we have decided to take on some pretty big projects. Isn't that smart?!? So in addition to me starting a new job and the adjustment and probation/orientation period that that involves, we are going to paint the inside of the house, have new carpet installed throughout and continue on our quest to de-junk. We have made some progress on the latter and have actually donated a ton of stuff to the local women and children's shelter. Can't you just picture some teenage boy sporting Jeff's old Shaft coat?? ;)

49 days....we can make it, can't we?

More Baby Buying

I am a super crazy shopper these days. Trying not to buy baby stuff is FUTILE I tell you. Jeff and I are doing some major spring cleaning and I spent a whole day in Lily's room last week. I was cleaning out, daydreaming and getting myself psyched for what's to come. We are going to be putting new carpet in the house and painting some of the walls (things which are way overdue in this place) and, after that nursery prep gets put in to high gear. So in preparation for that and because there was a great sale going on this weekend, I present to you some recent baby purchases.
Crib bedding...this pattern is called "Ladybug Paisley" and is actually a yellow background (same color as the walls in the nursery) with pink and green. The picture doesn't really show it well but it's super cute.

And the crib that it will be placed in. We actually ordered this yesterday and it will be delivered early next week and we will wait till the new carpet goes in before we put it together. I will make sure to document the assembly because I am SURE that Jeff might just say some 4 letter words that don't resemble his usual "jiminy cricket".

And we sprung for the mac-daddy car seat that I posted about a while back. It was on sale and I couldn't resist.

So now we have most of the absolute necessities. We are ready for Lily to come home. Like now. :)

Top 10 Reasons I Despise Wal-M@rt

What a joy it is to go to the local Wal-M@rt. It is so much fun that, after today's adventure, I am compelled to write my own "Top 10 List".

Drumroll please...

This is the TOP 10 REASONS WHY I DESPISE WAL-M@RT:

1. The aisles may be a little wider these days but it doesn't prevent people from going 3-wide with their carts and completely blocking oncoming traffic. All the while, they are pretending to care about the nutritional info on every box of food. In reality, it's just a conspiracy to prevent you from passing them and continuing your grocery shopping.

2. The hygeine items are always on the opposite end of the massive super-center from the food. Thus, I can park near the food section, walk to the hygeine items first and load up on body wash and toothpaste, walk 1/2 a mile back to the food and then realize I forgot the lotion. I shouldn't complain cause I do get a good amount of exercise this way.

3. The people who frequent this store think that the marketing campaign "rollback" prices means "roll" out of bed in your pajamas and go shopping. I've never seen so much spandex, flannel pj pants, head wraps or hole-filled smurf t-shirts in my life. Not that I judge people by their garb. Not me.

4. The little 7-ish-year-old kid in the shower curtain section today who gave me the "hood sign" (picture Sammy Sosa mixed with the girls from "Bring It On") while making eye contact and trying to challenge me to a game of chicken with his mom's shopping cart. Who's gonna turn first?!? It won't be me little Mr. G-man.

5. Inevitably it's sunny outside when I go in and then miraculously Noah calls out to God and starts the deluge of rain, lightning and thunder right as the cashier is scanning my items. And then I forget where I parked my car and end up walking around in ankle deep water in the parking lot...watching the dirty diapers that someone tossed out of their car float by.

6. The cashier, who is never in any kind of hurry to shorten the ever-growing line, pretends to be one of those people who are 3-wide in the cereal aisle who cares about the nutritional info on the box of all the food. But this time, she scans, reads the box of MY food, decides if she wants to ask me if it's good or not, then puts it on top of the bread or eggs that are in my bag.

7. The scooters. If you can walk from your car to the door without limping, breathing heavy or struggling in any way then you do NOT need one of the store's motorized scooters to do your shopping. In fact, you might benefit from the half mile back and forth between the food and hygeine products like me. And having 5 rambunctious kids under the age of 6 to run up and down the aisles and run in to people while you hit the gas and ignore them does NOT qualify you for a scooter either.

8. The self-checkout lane doesn't have an item limit. The store just assumes that people have common sense and won't choose the self-checkout if they have three carts full of stuff, one of which is produce. Please people. I just want to get my loaf of bread and go.

9. The swirly bagging station at the end of every checkout. This contraption requires that you remove your bags as they are filled and turned toward you. But without fail, the cashier bags the last few items on the belt, tells you your total, you swipe your card and pay and she keeps the last bag turned toward her so you can't grab it. Your choices are: 1) to look inside every bag on the carousel to make sure it's empty and turn it toward you yourself so you can grab the last bag 2) trust the cashier and let her go home with your hot dogs and ice cream or just toss those treasures that you paid for bag in the "go-backs" cart contributing to Mr. Sam's bottom line or 3) have faith in the cashier to turn the turn-style toward you and then keep your ears open when you are at least half way to the door and she starts screaming "Ma'am, ma'am!!! You forgot your bag!".

10. The people who choose to beat their children in the store. I'm sorry that little Bobby screamed for the swirling, light-up lollipop that the store has strategically placed right in the check-out lane to fulfill the inevitability of a tantrum. I'm sorry that Bobby didn't take you seriously when you told him no the first time. I'm sorry that you raised this little kid to disrespect you while your ho-ho's and miller lite's are being cha-chinged. Please don't hit your kids in Wal-M@rt. It doesn't teach them a lesson and just makes all of us feel like crud.

Soo....there you have it.

Disclaimer: I do have friends/family members who work or have worked at this store and am not insinuating that all employees, patrons act this way. Forgive me if this applies to you. Or don't.

Chapter #2

I started my new job on Monday and have doing all the classroom parts of nursing orientation all week long. It's actually more exhausting to me than patient care. I don't know why I just don't do sitting in a chair all day long very well. But it's a necessity and I completely understand and appreciate the purpose behind it all. I really do feel so very fortunate to have this job at a great hospital with a wonderful reputation, so close to home (it takes me less than 15 minutes from my door to the parking lot - with NO interstate), with great benefits and a real feeling that they believe in me and my ability to contribute something amazing to their team.

I guess pumping up your confidence is one of those things that's not on the agenda for orientation week but is a good side benefit.

And here it is...

my new home away from home and the place where I will build my future career. Right on. ;)

Jeff is a Wild Man

Dear Lily,
I'm happy to tell you that your Daddy is a wild man. One particularly nutty thing he has done during this wait for you is VOLUNTEER to ride a mechanical bull. Now we all know that your Daddy is not a teenager, not a cowboy and not a big fan of herding cattle. However, this activity appealed to him and he wanted to show the world what he is made of. So I present to you this video. He is a brave soul, isn't he?!? And he promises to do more wild things to entertain us in the future.

Love,

Your just-say-no-to-mechanical-bull-riding Mommy

A reminder of why I left Atlanta

Last week I had to make a quick day trip to Atlanta to go to the Department of Homeland Security and sign a declaration that I am truly not a criminal. All this because I now officially have no fingerprints left so they couldn't run me through the fingerprint database to verify said fact. Anyway...I had to meet face to face with the "Officer" who is responsible for issuing the approval for us to bring Lily in to the US. My appointment was at 10am and I took this picture at 10:15am. I sat in this blasted traffic for well over an hour trying to get in to the city. All the while I was having a mini panic attack in the car and texting Jason (my bro who lives in Atlanta) and he was searching the web for any info on what could be causing this mid-morning, atypical back-up.

While this experience was frustrating and I was a full hour late to my appointment, I did accomplish the mission and came home with an updated approval form. The sad part is that it expires before we will probably complete the adoption so a repeat of many fingerprinting appointments, home study update with medical clearance, references, social worker meetings and a billion notarized documents will have to be repeated ONE MORE TIME. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I know our sweet little one will be worth it all. Ten times over.

I'm a Haw

Several times in my career and life I've dealt with change. It's a theme in most people's lives and, in this economy, it is a given in the workplace. In the non-profit world that I was in for so many years, there was a tool that the leadership used to help staff understand and embrace change. I call this the "Cheese" book and it is about 4 characters and their approach to change. More specifically, it's an analogy on how these mouse-like and human-like characters make their way through a maze to reach their cheese.

Of these characters, I identify most as "Haw" and I have been driven to re-examine this as I have faced another job change. Yesterday I finished my first nursing job and I will be starting a new one next Monday in a hospital 60 miles closer to home with a schedule that works a little better for our lives and future. So...more about Haw. This is from Wikipedia and describes the character that I assign myself:

"Still fearful of his trek, Haw jots "What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?" on the wall and, after thinking about that, he begins his journey. Still plagued with worry (perhaps he has waited too long to begin his search...), Haw finds some scattered cheese that nourishes him and he is able to continue his search. Slowly losing his denial, Haw realizes that the cheese has not suddenly disappeared, but has dwindled from continual eating, and that the older cheese was not as tasty and had been moldy. After a letdown, an empty cheese station, Haw begins worrying about the unknown again. Brushing aside his fears, Haw's new mindset allows him to again enjoy life. He has even begun to smile again! He is realizing that "When you move beyond your fear, you feel free.""


So, in a nutshell. I have made a decision and am leaving a job that I do love and one that has taught me so much and re-affirmed my decision to change careers and become a nurse. I have met some great people, had some life-altering experiences and am now moving on to a new chapter. This chapter will require less of this:

And will lead me to a life that is better for Jeff and I and, ultimately, Lily. Of course, I have doubted myself every step of the way but now, it is what it is and I have 5 days off to get myself psyched for what is surely the job that I will be in when my dreams come true.

I would wait forever

I would wait forever to hold you
In my heart, I know you
You are a part of me, as I am you
More than life, I know this is true.

I will overcome the depths of grief
And release it from my heart
I will reach out my aching arms
And offer you a brand new start.

I will build you the perfect home
For your sweet head to rest
I will fix all the broken pieces
And promise for you, just the best.

Tell you the story that brought me to you
The destiny that God put in place
You were mine from the start of time
In my best dreams, I saw your face.

I will cry a little less
Laugh a little more
Work a little harder
Open every door.

For you I will sacrifice
Learn how to endure
Because you, my child
Are worth all of that and more

I will show you the beauty of the world
Give you all you need to grow
Feel pride and joy as as you mature
And in to that world you go.

I would wait forever to hold you
In my heart, I know you
You are a part of me, as I am you
More than life, I know this is true.

P205/55/R16

The excitement never ends around here, I tell you. My poor car has been through so much and it has been talking to me lately. It says "clunk, clunk, pa-clunk". My translator tells me that this means it needs a couple of new shoes.

Since it has been my trusty companion through 140 miles of commuting back and forth to Tuscaloosa every day, it's time to spring for some. I started this adventure yesterday with Dad on the phone searching for tire reviews on line. Today...it continues.

So what things are important?? All season? Speed rating? Brand? Warranty? I may be able to change a tire but choose one...maybe not so much.

Hopefully by the end of the day today, my ride will be outfitted with some new shiny, un-clunk-worthy wheels. What a Saturday ;).

Birthday Boy

Happy birthday to my sweet hubby and Lily's daddy-to-be!!

(When I can get him to pose for a picture, he does the face smooshing...cute, huh?!?!)

The "Fever" - I've got it bad

One little innocent stop at Target this morning turned in to a major baby shopping urge. It was innocent, I tell you. Before passing judgment on my impulsiveness, know that I did not actually purchase these items but some of them were on SALE so I can't promise anything for the period of the near future. Who can live without a jogging stroller?!?
For real...we are kind of runners in this household and we want the wee one to partake in this healthy habit rather than us use her as an excuse to become sendentary, right?!?

And we STILL haven't bought a crib. We were going to hold off on our referral in case we were referred a 4 year old but, really, we are going to need one. And we can take the practical approach by getting one that converts to a day bed, full size bed in the future. This one is kinda nice.

And I'm still on the carseat kick. I definitely want a good, safe carseat and Jeff reminded me that we will need 2 of them. Mostly I took these pictures so I could look up reviews and make some educated decisions...but I appreciate you accompanying me on my pseudo-Target baby binge. :)