I have lived so much of my life spared of loss. Almost 9 years ago, my Grandma B. passed away. It hurt. I miss her every day and hear her laughter in my dreams. Shortly afterwards, my Grandpa B. passed. I still think of him telling me during a random kid tempter tantrum, "You look prettier when you are smiling than when you are crying." I think of that almost every time I feel tears fall down my cheeks. Jeff's mother passed away 2 years ago. She taught me so much and I never thought I could love someone outside of my immediate family so much. I blogged about her and Jeff here ---> http://nicolesdoodlings.blogspot.com/2007/05/loss-grief-and-love.html .
I have been lucky...very, very lucky. The past 3 weeks have been some of the most difficult, affirming and life altering for me. My grandmother has been ill for quite some time. She was admitted to the hospital on Christmas Eve with pneumonia and stayed there until Wednesday, May 7th. She wanted so badly to be home and she got her wish that day. An ambulance brought her home where she was cared for by some amazing nurses and others who she had spent her whole life caring for, her family. I drove down to Orlando that day and stayed there (although I tried to go home and was miraculously called back) for almost 2 weeks. I witnessed so much during that time...the power of will, the strength of the spirit, the lastingness of humor and joy and the truly awe inspiring women who gave me life.
I had the opportunity to celebrate life with my grandmother and family and the opportunity to see my mom, vulnerable yet so strong as she sacrificed everything to nurture and love her own mother. I have never in my life seen so much strength and true, unselfish love as I have witnessed in my mother in these past weeks. I knew she was amazing but I now know even more so.
My grandmother, in the past few weeks, has given me belly laughs, crocodile tears, a warm and full heart and a new idea of what the power of love can truly accomplish. Jeff and I left Friday night to spend Memorial Day weekend with her and our family and we arrived around 1pm on Saturday. I never expected what was awaiting. A day of crying, hand-holding, knowing that IT was close. Raw emotion, desperation and an inexplicable aching. So not ready for her to go but not prepared for her to stay if it meant even a moment more of pain. Saturday night at 10:37 pm, I stood around my grandmother with my grandfather, Mom and Dad, Uncle David, Aunt Shelly, Aunt Susie, my cousin Dave and Jeff and watched as my precious grandmother took her very last breath. For a moment I thought I had also taken my last breath. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't move. All I could do was hurt deeply and passionately. When I heard my sobs, I knew it was real. She was gone.
I thank God for her...for her wonderful life and for her graceful and affirming passing. I can't write what I am feeling now because there really are no words. I am sad but at peace, empty but at the same time so full, grieving yet so very, very grateful. I have nothing now except a lifetime of memories and the knowledge that she will really always be with me. So now I pray for my own strength...to put aside my selfishness and help those that I love; for my grandfather to know peace and for his hurt to be eased, for him to lean on his children and all who love him for strength; for my Mom to know that she is a fantastic woman who gave her mother joy in the most trying times and did as she has done for me all these years, made every moment of every day so much more precious just by being there; for healing and smiles as we all remember and treasure what my grandmother has given us; and for my grandmother, an eternity of dancing among the clouds in Heaven, never far from us, knowing that she will always, always be with us.
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