Is she real?

I am sad today. The stress of school on steroids and life has gotten to me and I am just sad. I am sitting here wishing I had my little girl to come home to so I could love her and listen to her giggle. I know it would take it all away. Don't get me wrong - I know being a parent isn't all roses and snapdragons. I know there are temper tantrums and potty training and time outs but I also know that just one, "I love you mommy" right now would make the worst day bearable. It's easier to point out the trials of parenthood when you don't have the choice of parenthood taken away from you.

I call this post, "Is she real?," because I am really wondering if she is...if this is...if I ever will have that joy in my life. Forgive me for not taking at face value every time someone tells me that it will happen when it's time or that this is just teaching me to appreciate parenthood more. I have heard it and smiled it away a million times already. I don't deserve this wait. I don't deserve to doubt that I will be a mommy. I don't deserve to have spent the last 7 years dreaming of holding my child and to ONLY have that to hold on to. I don't deserve to lose hope. I don't deserve to wonder if my child has been born and is out there crying and growing older in an orphanage somewhere and not knowing that a mommy-wannabe half-way around the world would give her own life for her. This hurts right now. I am in a funk, a bad one.