Daydreaming

Today at work, I was bored (so what I know I was supposed to be calling an angry volunteer back but...) so I decided to do a little more reading about attachment. For anyone who is going to be a part of our baby's life and who hasn't read anything about post-institutionalized attachment, consider this a warning that I will educate you to death before we go to China.

Anyway - in my mid-cycle, PMDD, pre-China baby referral time of the month mental roller coaster, I got pretty pensive. I started to think about why I really want to adopt and why I want to be a mommy. Is it selfishly because I want to get lots of hugs and hear a child's voice scream for me? Is it because I want Jeff to be a daddy and see him play kiddy kickball in the yard? While these are things I anxiously anticipate and really plain just can't wait for, they are really not the answer. I do absolutely sincerely want to raise a child that will be happy and loving and giving and ambitious and creative and happy and proactive and opinionated and confident and happy and fulfilled and courageous and... did I say happy?

I want all the baby things that I haven't been able to experience, I want the toddler years and the terrible twos, the first day of school and kindergarten graduation, the spelling bees and school plays, the Girl Scout troops and field trips, the teenage years on the phone and the beating up of boyfriends, the driving lessons and mother-daughter fights...all of it, give it all to me. But mostly I want to be old and gray and watch my baby girl become a woman and leave me...and for her to be excited and prepared when she has her whole wonderful, promising and happy life ahead of her. I dream of the day that I will hold my little girl for the first time but I also dream of the day that I let her go, knowing that I have done my best to give her the tools she needs to make her life whatever she dreams it may be. But first, let me have my baby.

This is why the wait for our referral is so hard...it gives me entirely too much time to think and revel in my drama-queenness. Sorry for all the serious posts lately...it is just where I am right now. I promise more funny stuff to come soon.