When love hurts

Do you know when you see someone that you love so much sad or upset or hurting and you instantly feel a pain, a literal physical pain, inside of your chest? It's a tightness, a collapsing feeling that you can't escape from and it lingers even when you are not looking in the eyes of your loved one and when you are beyond a breath's distance from them. You scramble to do all you can...you hug them, wipe their tears, kiss their hand, pray to God that you can feel it instead of them... but it's never enough, you just can't take their pain away.

This is one time when loving someone hurts. I love my grandmother, my mother, all of my family so much that it hurts right now. What my family is experiencing is an inevitable formality of life wrapped in a bundle of painful moments. I can't do anything to change what is happening and it is making that pain climb from my chest to my throat. This love that I feel hurts so badly but I wouldn't want to live without it. It is precious and irreplaceable. I will treasure these painful and beautiful moments for as long as I am here on this earth. It hurts almost more than I can bear but it reminds me that I am alive.

1 semester down, 4 to go

I wrapped up my first semester of nursing school on April 28th. Talk about a cooshy life...I have 3 weeks until the next semester starts and I have worked out, sat in the sun and done a bunch o' nothing for the past few days.

I am happy to have made it out of the first semester with a pretty decent record. I am posting my grades, facing the music. I got a B...shoot me. In my defense, this grade was determined mid-semester while I was still working overnights and school wasn't my priority...staying alive for 4 days without sleep was. The second half of the semester was pass/fail and, of course, I passed with flying colors and exempted the final. So...I have a tarnished record. This is my first B since I have been "back to school". It irks me but I will take it.


I start the Summer semester on May 27th and it will be 10 weeks of h-e-double hockeysticks. It is the roughest of the five semesters and I have it squished into half the time so it will be doubly rough. I will excuse myself now for all the phone calls I don't return, special days I will forget and feelings I might hurt. I will make up for it...I promise.

Dirty Job

I cleaned out my closet last week. Surprisingly I still had clothes in sizes 8 and 16...neither of which I have been in quite a while. Those are put away for now but look at the disaster that became of my room in the process.


Scary, huh?

Deep Thoughts

Remember this segment that was on Saturday Night Live years and years ago?? I remember being in high school and talking about this on Mondays....yes, I was a geek. I came across this quote that I thought was pretty funny:

"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did.""

Hee hee. Mean. Hee hee.

Happy Birthday Jeff!!

Today is Jeff's b-day....woot woot!! I asked him what he wanted and he said " awwww....just a homemade card"....so I have spent 3 hours today cutting and pasting construction paper letters into a card that looks like a 3rd grader made it. I hope he likes it but I doubt that he will realize the uniqueness in my artistic interpretation of a hallmark. I wish I could have bought him the world but, with me not working, we are trying to watch the mula so maybe next year I can buy at least a part of the world...maybe some caribbean island where they serve fruity drinks.

Happy birthday Jeff!! I hope your day is wonderful (although you have to work today in order to bring home the bacon) and that you know how loved you are.

The Coolest/Trashiest Fort EVER

Today Jeff and I went to the Art Festival in the park in downtown B'ham. We were surrounded by hippies, earthy people, and tons of "abstract" folks....it was kinda neat. There were lots of activities going on to encourage creativity in kids...one of which is seen below. I saw this and thought that the festival organizers had just thrown their boxes in a big heap but, upon closer inspection, I saw little people on their hands and knees weaving in and out of pathways that they had made in this mound of cardboard. It was actually one gi-mungous fort...how fun is that?!!? It was actually a pre-meditated mound of junk.
I can completely appreciate what went in to making this and how many hours of fun it brought to tons of chillin's but I am SO glad that I don't have to clean it up. :)

Diagnosis: Bruxism

For the past few days my teeth have been killing me. I thought maybe I had cracked a couple of them and had horrible visions of thousands of dollars in dental work accompanied by lots of painful visits to that evil place known as the dentist's office. I went in today for a semi-emergency appointment because the pain has not let up and to my delight, it was a pretty simple problem.

Jeff has woken me up several times lately because I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep. I have been a wee bit stressed so this is not really a surprise. I am a teeth grinder by nature and it is truly exacerbated by stressful situations. Supposedly this has thrown off my bite which has caused some major discomfort with my teeth and a bridge that I had put in about a year ago. So the dentist pulled out his trusty tooth dremel tool and grinded my teeth down until my bite seemed to be a little more comfy. Hopefully in a few days, the soreness will subside and I will be as good as new. And to prevent this from happening in the future, they took some molds to fit me for this:
which I will wear at night so that I don't wake up with my teeth on the floor. And in case you are curious, bruxism is the "medical" term for teeth grinding while sleeping...it is a sleeping disorder...whodathunkit?

Spoiled Lady Studying

It has been so pretty lately and I have been DYING to sit outside in the sun. I literally feel my body's Vitamin D deficiency and am in dire need to absorb some rays. Jeff bought me a nifty lounge chair that I can fold out in the front yard and get my fix. (Thanks honey!) This afternoon I set up shop and got some studying in. I have 5 huge tests in the next week (one down this morning) and am stressed to the max about school. It's amazing that you can make it through an entire semester but it all really boils down to the last few tests. I am doing fine now but I could fail the whole semester with these next tests. No pressure or anything, right? At least I will study in style...and maybe get a little color on my pasty legs.

The subject of nightmares

I don't care what you say - this dude FREAKS me out.

The Last Lecture

I taped the special that was on TV the other night with Randy Pausch and Diane Sawyer and am building myself up to watching it. If you don't know who I'm talking about then I will tell you. There is a professor at Carnegie Mellon who has terminal pancreatic cancer...he has very little time to live and has 3 little kids and a wife. He has such a healthy outlook on life and on his impending death and is using that to teach a lesson...such an amazing thing. I have watched excerpts of the lecture and always end up crying so I haven't forced myself to sit and watch the whole thing because I know I will be bawling my eyes out. Here is a little summary off of YouTube:




One thing he says is that brick walls are put in place so that you can prove how to yourself and others how badly you want something...and to weed out those who don't want it badly enough.

Baby Product Review: Awesome Disposable Placemats

A few months ago I was having breakfast with a friend of mine and her 18 month old son and she whipped out one of these...it's a disposable placemat that sticks to the table. I was dumbfounded - whodathunkit? These particular ones are also educational, with pictures of animals, colors, etc.
So...before we go to China you can bet I will be stocking up on some sticky placemats to keep the germs away, provide some entertainment and make me an all-around corny mom. Gotta love it!

P.S. I have to mention that my friend also fed her 18 month old a frozen pear at that breakfast. It was great for his teething and he seemed to love it. Another great idea, huh??

Fix You

There is a group of "old folks" that gets together to sing. They call themselves Young@Heart and they have been all over the TV lately with coverage of the documentary that has been made about them. At first it made me laugh...something about seeing a 90 year old sing "I Wanna Be Sedated" just inspires giggles. Then there was this story about a man who was supposed to sing "Fix You" by Coldplay and he passed away before the performance. His friend stood in for him and you can see him below on the youtube video. If you can see the irony of a man unable to move around well and on oxygen who has lived his best years singing this song then it is very touching. In fact, if you have PMS like me, it can just downright bring you to tears.

Stormy Day

We had some pretty awful storms today...so much so that there was absolutely NO regular TV on this afternoon.

Only in Alabama do they pre-empt all regular TV shows to monitor the weather non-stop when it's stormy. I suppose it's the whole tornado thing....geesh. In the absence of Days of Our Lives and Maury ("You are NOT the father"), I had to study for my exams that are coming up....that is until I heard the most horrible thumping and crashing come out of nowhere. Turns out we were having a hail storm. I looked outside and I swear there were ice blocks the size of basketballs (ok, so maybe baseballs...maybe golf balls) falling from the sky. It scared the crap out of me. Of course I had to go out and take some pictures after the worst of it passed. As of now, I haven't seen any pits in my car that is parked in the driveway....that would be a stinker, wouldn't it?

Ladybug

Today when Dad and I were leaving Weight Watchers, I spotted this ladybug on my car. Kinda strange cause I haven't seen a lot of them out lately. This one was obviously older because it was faded and had LOTS of spots. I put my hand on the car and it crawled on my finger.

Then it crawled up my arm and rested for a while on my red thread bracelet. Maybe I'm freaky but this has to be some kind of sign, right? I can't help but think that maybe something significant is happening with our baby over in China or maybe there will be a change in the patter of referrals. It can't hurt to be a little optimistic, right?!?

Adoption Forecast - April

To piggyback on the last post, here is this month's version of our adoption forecast, according to http://www.chinaadoptionforecast.com/. This month, referrals were made for the dates of January 5-9, 2006...a pitifully small batch of baby referrals. This is what this month did to our predictions:

Best guess referral date: September 3, 2009

Range possible (if referrals speed up or slow down): December 12, 2008 to February 8, 2011.

To compare to what it was after last month's referrals, check this post --> http://nicolesdoodlings.blogspot.com/2008/04/adoption-forecast-march.html .

I am going to go cry now.

Good article

In case I don't do a great job conveying what is happening with our adoption, here is an article that the waiting community seems to think is pretty good. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080409/ap_on_re_us/china_adoptions_long_wait_1 It is definitely worth reading and can help you see that we are a part of a large group of people and families that are in limbo, relying on the powers-that-be in China to grant us parenthood. So to answer some of the questions that I have gotten lately:

Q: Are you still in THAT line?

A: Yes. No plans to get out. It is the way we are going to have a family. Period.

Q: Have you heard anything more about THAT?

A: No, and I don't expect to in the foreseeable future. We don't get periodic updates. Basically it goes like this: start your paperwork, finish your paperwork, send your paperwork to China, make it through the Review Room in China where they scrutinize your application, WAIT INDEDFINITELY WITH NO NEWS, get your referral, wait for your travel approval, plan your trip to China, go to China, become a parent, come home, live happily ever after.

If we are anywhere near getting our referral, trust me, I will be on top of the roof with a megaphone. We are in the "waiting indefinitely" stage with no anticipation of movement. Right now, just based on internet surfing that I do just to torture myself, we are expecting our referral in late 2009 or early 2010. That can and will most likely change throughout the next few months.

Where is the sun?

We were supposed to have a sunny day today with a high of 79 F. Right now it is 10am, cloudy and 54 stinkin' degrees. I really can't wait for the summer to be here. I used to absolutely hate the heat but I really, really look forward to it now. In fact, nothing sounds more appealing to me than frying on a beach somewhere in the caribbean (hint, hint Jeff). One good thing is that it has been a good weekend to sit on my butt and study since there is nothing great going on outdoors. I have now spent 9 hours working on paperwork from my clinical on Friday, have a test on Tuesday and then final exams and validations begin...only 3 more weeks until I am done with my 1st semester of nursing school!! Surely the sun will be out by then.

The Trashiest Show Ever

I admit that I have watched this show ("The Moment of Truth" on Fox) a couple of times but absolutely, completely, undeniably, undoubtedly and a few more -ly words believe that it is the trashiest show I have ever seen. What kind of person would invent a show where people reveal damaging, controversial and in your face personal things about their lives that mess with the heads of their families, friends and loved ones?? On one episode, a man was asked if his wife was the most attractive woman he had ever been with and he said NO - what an idiot! Then he was asked if he was sexually attracted to any of her sisters...and he said YES...gag me with a fork! The absolute worst part of it all is that Jeff said , "Hey, honey...you should be on that show." Pul-leeeze...never in a million, trillion, quadrillion years. In case you haven't seen the show, here is someone's brief synopsis of the last episode.

Adoption Forecast - March

I am going to start doing this after referrals come out every month just to document what the adoption forecasts are saying and how they change each month. I am using the website chinaadoptionforecast.com which gives us an estimated date of referral based on past and likely future trends. In the past it has changed significantly each month. Referrals are about to come out for April but the March data says:

Best guess referral date: August 12, 2009

Range possible (if referrals speed up significantly or slow down): November 26, 2008 to February 9, 2011

They're back!!!

This is pretty stinkin' unbelievable so brace yourself....New Kids on the Block are BACK!!
I remember singing "The Right Stuff" and swinging my legs back and forth while holding on to my belt loops...who doesn't, right? Brandee and I used to have ourselves convinced that we would marry our respective faves and of course we had pictures of them EVERYWHERE, stayed up late to see them on Arsenio Hall and sang "Funky, Funky Christmas" for at least two holidays. Now, although they are old and probably have no singing talent, they are back to thrill us again. They will be on some morning show tomorrow where they will officially announce their reunion. They even have a countdown clock here at http://www.nkotb.com/. So pull out the cavariccis and hairspray and make sure to roll your jean pants really tight at the bottom...it's on.