9 months and hormonal surges

DISCLAIMER: I almost removed this because of the intense pity-partiness of it but I decided to keep it anyway as a reminder of how I was feeling at this time. Just ignore it.

Jeff and I have officially been "paper pregnant" now for 9 whole months. Today is the anniversary of our Log In Date (6/14/06) and we are still very, very far from seeing our baby. I am having a mixed emotion today - maybe it's the paper pregnancy hormones (ha ha!). I don't know if I will make it another 12-18 months before we get our referral from China. This adventure has really gone on a lot longer than I ever would have anticipated. I truly can't believe that our file hasn't even made it through the Review Room in China and I honestly won't feel the slightest bit at ease until that happens.

If anyone has ever dealt with prolonged infertility then they might understand where I am at with all of this. Of course most people have dealt with situations where they have dreamed of doing something, achieving something, etc. for years and it encompasses all that they are. When I was dealing with infertility it was like someone telling me over and over that the dreams I had for my life were phooey. Every time I got a phone call saying that my blood levels weren't good or the IUI's had failed, etc, etc, I would die just a little bit. If I had kept going with that I would definitely only be a shell of me.

I feel like I have been groomed my whole life for being a mommy - it is just within my soul and I want it more than anything I have ever wanted. I have bargained with God over and over for years now just to cut me a break on this one. I have made promises to do right, to be the best mommy in the world, to devote my whole life to my child if only he would grant me this one wish that comes so easily to so many people. I thought the adoption was the break that I had prayed for...the peace to put the infertility behind me and the hope that I desperately needed to re-energize my spirit. I'm sorry if this is a bummer blog post...if you read my blog then you most likely know me and know that I am a drama queen. I admit it. I am just in a tough place with all of this right now.

I know whatever is meant to be will be...that if (notice I say if and not when anymore) Jeff and I are fortunate enough to come out of this as parents then I will hold up my end of the deal. I will devote all of me to making a wonderful life for my child. I will help her grow into the best woman that she can be and give her all the opportunities that I can humanly provide. She will be spoiled rotten and loved more than is even comprehensible.

Ok my pity party is over....thanks for joining me.