What more can I really say? I don't really think we are much closer to parenthood than we were on that day 2 years ago when I wrote that post. I look at my old posts and see a difference in what this wait has done to me. I am not hopeless but I am a lot less hope-filled than I was once.
I remember shopping on-line for baby furniture, making my packing lists and searching You Tube for people's Gotcha Day videos. I remember trying to find the best formula for the transition from China to the US, buying tons of books on attachment, China and the culture, children's books targeted toward adopted children. I remember exploring Yahoo Groups for China adoption, dreaming of the minute my little girl would be handed to me by a nanny or orphanage director, preparing myself for her tears and convincing myself that I would give her all the smiles and giggles it took to help her fight through them. I remember wondering how I would arrange for a crib in our hotel room in China or if co-sleeping would be best for our transition. I rememeber dreaming of pig-tails and hair bows, finding baby carriers, researching how to deal with a baby or toddler on long flights and wondering if it was really possible for those crazy folks who commit to adoption travel with carry-ons only. I remember when our biggest question was "Beijing before or after we pick up the baby?", not "Will this ever really happen??".
This has been a long, crooked, roller coaster filled, stomach-sickening, headache-causing and heart-breaking road. I know we aren't the only ones in the world dealing with this wait and this dream hanging by an ever-so-fragile red thread over our heads. Today, though, as I recall that day 3 years ago when we took the leap of faith on this journey, I feel like a different person than I once was. One a little more cynical, a little less filled with blind optimism, a little more filled with the pieces of a semi-shattered heart, with gallons less tears and tons more doubts. All of this to say, I am still that same woman with that same dream on same path. I ain't goin' nowhere until my arms are filled with my child and my heart is glued back together with the love I have on reserve for her alone.
I have published this poem on here before but I am going to post it again...for me.
Dear Sweet Daughter,-Gayle Leubecker
As a girl I had a common dream, to be a mom someday.
My baby would have eyes of blue and hair the hue of hay.
But now my dreams have been transformed. New visions fill my head.
Now the tresses that I long to stroke are raven black instead.
And in my dreams those eyes are not so big or blue or round.
Now in my dreams they're almond shaped and colored cocoa brown.
And in my dreams my arms can stretch across enormous seas.
They reach half-way around the world and hold you close to me.
As you grow in your mother's womb, carefully knit together,
you're also growing in my heart, where you will stay forever.
And in my dreams the moment that your mother says good-bye,
I'll be right there to comfort you and hold you as you cry.
Our features may not look alike; we're different as can be.
But still I know the Father has created you for me.
And though I've not yet seen your face, or held your tiny hands,
and though we're half a world apart in very different lands.
I'll be right there to get you just as soon as God allows.
But til He says the time is right I give to you this vow.
I'll pray for your protection every night on bended knee.
For God will hold you in His arms, until you're here with me.
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