This blog post is a confession and a jumble of my thoughts. I am a horrible friend. I blame it on school, being busy, etc. but I am really just a bad communicator. I usually think of calling my friends in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and then I get completely distracted during the day and don't make time to do it. My communication lapses got worse with school but they have always been a little crappy.
I need a 12 step program because I have been thinking about this a lot lately and feel pretty bad about it. I don't want the people who I have come to know in life's journey to think that I don't care, don't want to know what they're up to, don't appreciate them and their lives and the contribution they have made to mine. I just don't know how to maintain good communication and balance my life at the same time.
All of this has peaked today because I have a friend who had a baby 7 months ago. I saw her right before he was born...and I haven't seen her or talked to her since. And her mom is now sick and in the hospital. I am a bad friend. It is sad for me because I truly love this friend and want to know all that is happening in her life but we are separated by hundreds of miles and the inability to meet for coffee, lunch or play dates. No excuse because I could make the best of the situation by just picking up my "free nights and weekend" cell phone.
I am sad that I feel I have lost good touch with most of my old friends. I want to just immerse myself in them and their lives and try to forget my own for a little while. I have a hard time biting the bullet, saying I'm sorry and trying to re-connect. A really hard time.
Anyway...it may seem trivial and a jumble of muck but I am really thinking hard about this today. My life is made so much richer by having great people in it and I hate to think I have lost some amazing friends because I suck at keeping in touch. How do I fix it? How can I keep it fixed? How can I give myself as a friend without losing touch with my own life? How can I make sure my friends know that, although we lives hundreds of miles apart and I can't hop in my car every weekend for casual lunches and trips to the mall, I still love them and want to share life with them?
This is a personality flaw I need to fix before Lily comes home. I want her life to be full and I want her to feel as much love from friends and family as possible. Life really is more live-able when it is shared with others. That's all I want.
1 comment:
I hereby pronounce that a genetic disorder because i am exactly the same way.
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