Back to Work

When we first started the adoption process, I was in a job that I had been in for years and years. I planned to take at least 6 months off - call it a sabbatical, extended leave, whatever - I had it like that. Then the adoption wait stretched and stretched and I decided to pursue a career that I had wanted for a long time and I went back to nursing school. I have been a nurse for almost 2 years now and have been in my current job for just a year so I don't have it like that anymore.

Before we left for China, I had arranged with my boss to go back to work for one day on June 10th to see how it would go, knowing that Jeff would be home with Lily for his entire allowable FMLA. So last Friday, I put on my scrubs (and my big girl panties), packed my lunch and said a tearful good-bye to this little face...

It was a HARD day. I have waited so long to be a mommy and, more appropriately, to be a mommy to this little girl that I just don't want to miss a minute. I do like my job but I LOVE my baby. Unfortunately, I have to work in order to avoid bankruptcy so I'm stuck. I know all working moms must go through this and I am so fortunate that Jeff is able to be with Lily until August and then my awesome dad (Lily's Grandpa) is willing to be her manny. What a deal, huh?!?! I know this is so much more than most people have but I still want to spend every one of my waking and sleeping moments with my little girl.

Anyway....the day started out slow. Super slow. It was 6am then 2 hours later it was 6:10am...go figure. It didn't help that I had already cried 3 times before I even got to work. By lunch time, I thought I was going to have a complete meltdown. Then I was taken by the hand and led to the breakroom by my sweet friend and co-worker, Karen. My co-workers had put together a shower with awesome food and CAKE! I was so, so touched by this and so happy to share my Lily joy with the people that I spend lots of my days with. It was awesome. But then, after my first round of taco salad, my boss walked in and said I had a visitor. Right behind her were the 2 loves of my life! I couldn't believe just how high my heart jumped when I saw Jeff with Lily walking in to my work break room. I have really never felt so much like my heart had wings as I did at that moment. Just a reminder of how in love I am with this child and how ecstatic my little family makes me. Jeff stayed for quite a while and then I finished out my day...counting down every minute until I could give report to the night nurses and head home. I was planning to stop at the grocery store on my way home but I couldn't do it. I raced home to catch as many awake minutes with my little girl as I could.

Fortunately I have the ability to work just one day a week for three weeks before I go back full time. I am so grateful for this but still, I go back again tomorrow and I'm empty at the thought of leaving my family again. I know I've got to do this and I know real life has to start again some time but I'm fighting it. This weekend I just may have to go buy some lottery tickets.