Babbling about Lily

It has been more than 3 weeks now since I first saw my precious baby girl. When I saw her for the first time, it hit me how tiny she was, how little head control she had, how skinny her little arms and legs were. Since that day, she has shocked me with her progress. My little 7 month old girl now has great head control, has gained more than 2 pounds, is keeping her food down (she has had a very weak stomach since birth according to her medical info and our first few days with her), smiles for miles, pulls herself up to sitting and standing position with our fingers, belly laughs, makes all kinds of baby noises and so much more. I can't even believe that she is the same baby.

Still, she is sleeping in the bed with us...on a little palette right smack in the middle of the bed. Of course we get criticism for this from people not in the adoption community but, for now, this is what she needs and we will provide it for her. There will be no crying herself to sleep as this is what our baby girl has had to do for the first 6 months of her life. Still, she wakes herself up at night and lifts her legs straight in the air and slams them back down - repeatedly. She may be doing this while still asleep. I'm not sure. She also sucks on her hand...whether it is for her comfort or related to teething I don't know. Most days, she has to be laying right on top of Jeff or I in order to take a nap. She fights sleep so hard that we have to be standing or walking, jiggling her, patting her back all at the same time and some times for 2 hours before she finally gives in and konks out. I wonder if she is worried that something will happen while she's asleep or if she things she will wake up and we won't be here anymore. If I am holding her when she falls asleep, I hate to even move or breathe lest she wake up and lose her much needed rest. Of course, most of the time I don't mind holding her and feeling her sweet baby breath on my ear as she sleeps. Some times I can just stare at her for her whole nap, searching for those little sleep smiles she has that come from gas or good baby dreams. Some times she wimpers in her sleep and, although this may be a normal baby thing, my heart hurts just wondering if she is afraid of something or remembering the times when she was alone in her crib at the orphanage.

I stare at this child, my child, and just know her. I have memorized every facial expression, every eyelash, every little fold in her baby neck. She looks at me and smiles, almost instantly. Most of the time when someone else holds her, I see her face searching for me and it warms my heart more than anything ever has in this life. When our eyes meet and she gives me that huge toothy grin, I just know that there is a heaven and that she came from there to be with us. There is no other possible answer to how we have been brought together.

I often think about the first few months of her life and how I will explain them to her. Today I picked up the pictures from the disposable camera that the orphanage returned to us and there were some of her in a walker, one in her crib and another with a woman, who I assume is her nanny, holding her. All of these things happened before I touched her for the first time. I know that this nanny had to love her. You can't be around our Lily and not love her. But it still pains me to think that she didn't know the love of a mommy and daddy for those months. For that reason, I know I will spoil her rotten for a while. And I will do it happily and deal with every last consequence because, for my child, nothing is good enough, there are never enough kisses and hugs, my arms will always be open and my chest will always be the perfect place for a nap. Her voice will always be the most beautiful music I have ever heard, her tears will always call upon me to kiss them away. I love her. Truly and deeply and with every ounce of me. I know I have said this before but now I say it again. She is the center of our universe and worth every minute of our wait, every tear of frustration and grief that I have shed in the past 10 years of praying for a family, every shot I gave myself during fertility treatment, every fingerprint I had to have done and re-done, every home study update and immigration renewal, everything, all of it.