Today I was trying to pull together some things for Christmas. (Hint - it's never good to wait until there's only five days left to venture out into the mayhem of shopper-dom) I went to ole' faithful Target knowing that I would be able to find some good deals and a few of the groceries that I need to sustain us through the week. Wouldn't you know I would be standing between the women's and toddler clothes when the worst wave of sadness came over me. I don't know if it was a wave of realization or just a mixture of PMS, stress and the holidays but I suddenly, out of the blue felt a tear running down my face. As I stared at the little red velvet dresses on sale and the millions of people in the toy aisles trying to pick the perfect toy for their little ones, I knew that the reason I can't get excited for Christmas is because I am incomplete. In our entire 4 year wait (and all the years trying to build a family before that), I have never really felt this kind of despair during the holidays. I started to brainstorm how things were supposed to be...we should have our own 5 year old child to spoil and who would be writing letters to Santa and anticipating a sleepless night this Thursday and we should also have our little girl home from China to dress up in these same red velvet holiday dresses, read Christmas stories to and make construction paper rings to count down the days until Santa comes. Life isn't right and I can't make it that way.
So I went up and down the aisles of Target, just wishing that this holiday season would pass without me having a complete breakdown, hoping that I can glean some drop of joy in what is supposed to be the happiest, most filled-with-love time of the year. As we embark on this week of Christmas, I am trying my best to focus on making green Christmas tree cookies, wrapping the little bit of gifts that I can give to those I love and holding back this sadness that wants to overtake me. I know if I let it then it will be days in pajamas for me...and even bigger pity parties than normal.
So give me a little break this year. Know that when I am staring off in to space, I am thinking about the part of me that isn't here. Trying to be grateful for all the blessings I do have. This will pass, right?!?
1 comment:
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through this holiday season. My prayer for you both is that you will have a beautiful baby girl to celebrate the holidays with next year! You are one tough cookie, Nicole - I probably would have been crying all the way out of the store :(
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