Why do we make big decisions in life and then, without a doubt, ALWAYS wonder if we have made the right decision?? I have been doing my fair share of second guessing myself lately and I really, really want to break this cycle. I want to make a decision and KNOW with all of me that it is the right one.
The only decision that I have made in my life in the past 5 years that I absolutely knew was the right one is my decision (along with Jeff) to adopt from China. I absolutely-positively-without even one iota of doubt knew that it was right. It was so right that my heart felt full. Now after 2 years (yes it will be 2 years since we made our decision to adopt as of this Friday, October 12th), we are still most likely 2 years from seeing this decision from start to finish. And although I know my baby is in China...I have to admit that I have given in to second guessing even this one...should we have chosen a different country or taken a gamble on domestic adoption, should we have continued on the fertility treatment cycle, should I just accept my life without being a mommy??? I don't want to second guess this decision - I want that full feeling back in my heart desperately.
So on to another decision...I have resigned from my job. I have been in the same job (or same place in various positions) for 7 years...that is a almost a quarter of my life. I was 24 when I started...a relative child....not married, new to the area and a fresh, open mind. I am such a different person now and where I work has really been a part of that...good and bad. We all know that we spend sometimes more hours at work than at home so the impact that your job has on your life really is monumental. I hope that I am making the right decision...I am saying good-bye to a big part of my life and, no matter how many bad days I had or how much I complained to Jeff about how much things sucked, I will miss it and those people who have become really like a sort of family to me...even though I may not like them all. I have seriously cried for several days about this decision...is it the right one, is it the right time for me to take a chance at changing my life and my career path, can I rely on the support of the people around me which I really, really need in order to be successful and happy??
Whether it's the right decision or not I guess I will eventually know...I am doing it...taking a leap of faith and going back to school. Taking a job that pays just a fraction of what I make now just to be able to have some sort of income while I pursue an interest and dream that I have had for quite a few years now. It all starts in just a few weeks from now...and I am a nervous wreck about it all.
So...please pray for me. That I have the stick-to-it-ivity to see this through...that I have the strength and peace of mind to have faith in myself and my decisions...that Jeff will stand beside me and be the support that I so need him to be...that this horrible cycle of PMS and moodiness ends soon ;) ...but most of all that I can find that full heart that I am missing.
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