Jumble post...(warning: this is sappy and sad)

Hi! Lots has been happening lately. Lots of funny stuff that I think, "Geesh, I should blog about that." but then I end up not...just not feeling up to blogging too much this week. Jeff and I did take a nice trip to Memphis during my spring break...here are the pictures:

Memphis Trip March 15-18

and

Memphis Trip Day 2 (Graceland)

It was nice to have a few days away and to see Elvis' house which I deem an excuse to not renovate a house which desperately needs to chuck the green carpet and wood paneling.

Anyway...I have been in a strange place lately. Some things have been going well and some, well...not so great. Since this is a blog about our adoption then I will say again that waiting to become a mom absolutely sucks. Starting this process over 2 years ago with probably another 2 to go makes it suck even more. I could have had 4-5 babies in this time and, trust me, I have watched more than 4 or 5 of my friends, co-workers, etc. have their own babies and have dealt with my selfish emotions regarding those situations.

5 years ago this week, I was pregnant...that is where my mind is today. I can't believe it has been 5 whole years. I was feeling strange things going on with my body, my mind was reeling with joy and Jeff and I were planning all the great things we would do with our child...and thinking about if it was a boy or girl, what he or she would look like...my cheeks, his eyes, a combination of all of our features that would make the most precious, loved child ever. We just had a little while of that happiness before finding out that we were losing our baby...then a week of supplementing my hormones in a last ditch effort to save the baby, crying more tears than anyone should and asking God why me, why us, why now, why OUR baby...then all hope taken away...more drugs this time to speed up the miscarriage instead. 3 weeks of waiting for my baby to leave my body...the worst 3 weeks of my life. It happened on April 17th. Trust me, I lost more than my baby that day. I haven't been the same person since and I often wonder how I could get that hope and joy back. We all have experiences in life that phase us more than we wish...that are life altering in good and bad ways...that make us search our souls for who we really are and what direction we are going in. This was one of those for me. Lots of couples lose babies and then go on with their lives, putting it behind them and moving on. Most of the time they go on to have more pregnancies and have families eventually. Not me, not us.

Most of the time I live without thinking of that experience. The adoption has become our way of building our family. The ONLY way that we will become a mom and dad...our only chance. I will love that child so much, no less than if she/he was born of my body. My mistake is assuming that the pain of our original loss will ever go away. Even 5 years later I ache deep inside of me for that baby that left my body on April 17th. Some times I am still empty when I remember that time and knowing that, if things had been different, we would now have a 4 year old running around our house. I would be a mom...all I have ever wanted to be. For now, I am going to embrace my sadness...revel in it for a little while. I am good at pity parties ;). Next week will be better.